Welcome To AMPTP.com (not AMPTP.org)

I took two personal days and I come back to http://www.amptp.com which is a hilarious spoof of the AMPTP’s official site http://www.amptp.org. It looks almost identical, too, down to those Did You Know? factlets. (Example: Six out of 10 non-Judd Apatow movies never recoup their original investment… “Writer” comes from the Latin ritem meaning “unhygienic and doughy.”) Many many people are being fooled judging from the ton of puzzled emails I’m receiving. This satirisite is laugh-out-loud funny no matter what side of the issue you’re on. I especially enjoy that the website creators make fun of the AMPTP’s crappy new campaign labeling the WGA negotiators as organizers (to imply “that we’re some kind of Commies,” one WGA board member told me over the weekend). Also, did you know that Nick Counter was the youngest member of the Backstreet Boys? Cares about dolphin safety? Has a younger brother Aaron Counter who’s head of the MPAA? A ton of work obviously went into it. This is what clearly happens when writers have way too much free time on their hands. Thank god for laughs in the middle of this tragic time. I look forward to the AMPTP pulling the same prank on the WGA. Oh wait, http://www.wga.com is already taken by the Western Growers Association.

Here are some excerpts from just the home page:

“We are heartbroken to report that despite our best efforts, including sending them a muffin basket, making them a mix CD, and standing outside their window with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel songs, our talks with the WGA have broken down. Quite frankly, we’re puzzled as to why this happened. We talked about it all the way home – after we walked into their hotel room, slapped our list of demands on the table and abruptly left the negotiating session – and none of us could figure out what went wrong.

… While the WGA’s members can clearly stage rallies, concerts and mock exorcisms, maintain unity in a large and diverse workforce, gain the support of a majority of the general public, prompt a sharp dip in our stock prices, derail half a dozen major movies and force us to refund advertisers’ money after they learn that they’ll be getting American Gladiators instead of Chuck, we question their ability to get things done. It is now absolutely clear that the WGA’s organazis are determined to advance their own personal ideologies, political agendas, sexual preferences, barbaric tribal customs, canine wardrobe choices, religious beliefs and blood rituals upon working writers and other working persons who depend on our work industry for their work.

…Their proposal for Internet compensation could doom the Internet media business before it ever gets started. (Projected start date: October 4, 2012.) We have already offered the writers a very generous $250 per episode for using their work on the Internet. Sure, $250 may not sound like much, but it adds up – a whole season of Heroes would cost NBC.com nearly $6,000! Who’s going to pay that money? Go look at at the Heroes web site – unless you count Nissan, Cisco, Sprint, and American Express, nobody’s willing to step up and advertise on such a risky and unproven medium. And who knows how much longer those fly-by-night operations will be around? (I mean, have you seen the Nissan Rogue? It looks like a Pontiac Aztek fucked a PT Cruiser, am I right?)

…In summary, the writers are demanding respect they haven’t earned, privileges they don’t deserve, and money for work they haven’t done. And those are perquisites we reserve solely for the severance packages of departing CEOs.

…The fact of the matter is, we’re going to win this thing. We’ve got enough material to wait out the strike. On the feature side, we’ve got great scripts ready to shoot. How do we know they’re great? Because they were already hits! Get ready for Talladega Nights starring Dane Cook! Wait until you see Titanic with Keira Knightley and Zac Efron! And on the TV side, we’ve got enough reality shows to choke a horse. Literally – one of the shows is Can You Choke This Horse? And for the fall, we’re already working on Can You Choke This Horse With the Stars? (Pepsi, you want a logo on the horse? Consider it done.)…”

This article was printed from https://deadline.com/2007/12/welcome-to-amptpcom-not-amptporg-4334/