There was much cause for celebration on Monday’s episode of The Late Show, following New York City’s return to in-person schooling.
“It’s an exciting day here,” said host Stephen Colbert. “For the first time in 18 months, kids can enjoy class without seeing their friends’ dads wandering behind them in boxers—if they’re lucky.”
Naturally, Colbert noted, there were “some hiccups” on the first day of class.
“The online health screenings that families are required to fill out each morning had crashed by about 8 a.m., so some educators were forced to complete their own screenings of how each child was feeling that morning,” he shared. “‘Okay class, so I’ve read your health forms. I see that many of you are suffering from ‘butt fever,’ ‘butt ache’ and ‘shortness of butt.’ Put a mask over your butt and come on in.'”
Of course, children aren’t the only ones to susceptible to Covid-19. The good news in this respect, from Colbert’s perspective, is that President Biden has issued “a plan” requiring private sector businesses with upwards of 100 employees to mandate vaccines or weekly testing.
“That’s great, okay? You want that sense of security,” said Colbert. “When you go into a Starbucks, you should feel safe, until you see the bathroom. ‘Are those, are those teeth?'”
Inevitably, he continued, “the safety measures enraged the lunatic fringe of anti-vaxxers, otherwise known as Republican governors.” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves, for one, who recently tweeted, “This is still America, and we still believe in freedom from tyrants.”
“Yes, refusing medical treatment is part of a proud American tradition,” deadpanned Colbert. “Who could forget the immortal words of Patrick Henry, ‘Give me rubella and give me death. Because I want to die from rubella’?”
Check out Colbert’s entire opening monologue above.