Seth Meyers Roasts ‘Today’ Turnover, NBCU OTT Platform In Upfront Monologue: All The Jokes

Seth Meyers Golden Globes

Seth Meyers cracked that his fourth annual set at the NBCUniversal upfront is “one of the longest-running shows on NBC.” As usual, his part of the show did not disappoint, with the late-night comedian delivering zingers about the Today show, the still-unnamed NBCU streaming service and the broadcast network’s Chicago fixation and prospects for picking up Game of Thrones.

Here is a full transcript:

Welcome to New York City everybody. Sorry about the weather. I blame Roker.

This is my fourth year in a row at upfronts. I really didn’t think that was a big deal but over the course of the presentation, I realized how few network shows even get a second season. I started feeling pretty good. If you think about it, Seth Meyers At Upfronts is one of the longest-running shows at NBC.

Let me say once again how great it is that NBCUniversal’s presentation is the day after Mother’s Day. Because my wife is the greatest mother in the world. Nothing makes her more appreciated than when I said to her yesterday, ‘Do you mind keeping an eye on the kids? I’m going to try to write some jokes about NBC’s fall schedule.’ I could tell my wife was mad, so to make it up to her, I said, ‘How about I get you two tickets … to upfronts?’ And then she made herself a drink, and threw it in my face.

It’s hard on my kids, too. Yesterday, my 3-year-old said, ‘Daddy, can you play with me?’ And I had to say, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t. The Procter & Gamble people are in town.’

There’s a lot of exciting things to talk about. In 2020, NBCUniversal will be coming out with its video streaming service, which they’re now referring to as ‘OTT,’ which by 2022 will stand for ‘Ohhhh, That Thing.’

Seriously, though. It’s time to come up with a name for the streaming service. This is like when people still haven’t named their kid two weeks after it was born. ‘This is Baby’ does not reflect badly on the kid but it makes the parents look a little weird. It’s also, like, what’s taking you so long? It’s going to be something like NBC Plus or NBC Gold, right? We’re not going to call it something crazy like Apollo Sword or Hulu.

Let me say, if you’re deciding between the two, I’d use NBC in the name and not Comcast. I mean, they’re both great companies, it’s just, no one’s ever had to wait four hours for the NBC guy to show up.

Of course, last year one of the big stories at upfronts was NBC saving Brooklyn Nine-Nine after it was canceled by Fox. It worked out so well, I’m surprised we didn’t try it again. For example, I heard next week HBO is airing its last Game of Thrones. We should pick that up! I can’t believe they canceled it. I think that show is very popular. I haven’t seen last night’s episode, but I think you can get a few more seasons out of the Cersei and Jamie relationship. Although Game of Thrones would be tough with a network censor. I mean, once you’ve cut out all the sex and violence, every episode would just be 11 minutes of people staring out over the sides of boats.

Rami Malek was here tonight. Give it up for Rami Malek, everybody. Rami stars on Mr. Robot. He recently won an Oscar for his portrayal of Freddie Mercury and he still couldn’t get out of coming to upfronts. I mean, what’s it gonna take? If I ever won an Oscar, the first thing I would think is, ‘I think this means I don’t have to go to upfronts.’ But such a well-deserved Oscar. That guy’s a great actor. I mean, how about when he came out here and said, ‘It’s great to be here?’ So believable!

Ted Danson is here. How good does Ted Danson look?! What were upfronts like when Cheers was on and the only way to watch TV shows was on TV the night they aired? Were upfronts like 10 minutes long? ‘Yeah, we have Cheers and 20 million people are going to watch it and they’re going to watch all the commercials as well, so we’re just going to make some room onstage and you can just throw up sacks of cash.’ They never had to talk about ‘live-plus-seven’ for Cheers. Live-plus-seven for Cheers was everyone who watched it live plus the seven weirdos who recorded it on their VCR. Hey, can we cap it, by the way, at live-plus-seven? Once it hits, like, live-plus-45, it feels like it shouldn’t count. It’s like asking your buddy if that girl texted him back and he’s like, ‘Not yet, but it’s only been 45 days.’

This is Us has been picked up for three more seasons, as well as a new NBC crime drama crossover show, Chicago This is Us. It’s called So, Dis Is Us, Den. ‘Da grill exploded, and now Dad’s dead. Dis is us!’

Kathie Lee Gifford left the Today show after 11 years. A round of applause for Kathie Lee, everybody. Fun fact: She’s the first person ever to leave the Today show willingly. The motto of the Today show used to be: ‘The Today show: Security will show you out.’

And now I’m going to show myself out. Enjoy the rest of the morning, everyone!

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