The list of Dem White House hopefuls now includes 14 officially declared candidates, two exploratory committees, and “one Jesus Christ just make up your f*cking mind already!” (aka Joe Biden), Samantha Bee updated Full Frontal viewers.
She walked them through the list. Among the highlights:
-New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand’s announcement video: “Will brave win? Well it hasn’t always” was inspiring, if somewhat depressing, “but she really smoothed it out with her slogan, ‘God Is Dead’,” Bee said.
-Former Rep. Beto O’Rourke may not have lot of solid policy proposals, but he is on the cover of Vanity Fair saying “I want to be in it. Man, I’m just born to be in it.” “To which every woman who has ever run for office said ‘Oh, f*ck you’,” Bee said.
-Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar may be too “Minnesota Nice,” according to journos, but former staffers report she once told them “I would trade three of you for a bottle of water.” Which Bee confessed, “somehow makes me like her more.”
-Bernie Sanders is back and “It’s fun we’re living 2016 for all eternity,” she added.
-New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker’s connection to Wall Street and big pharma could hurt his chances with progressive voters.
-Sen Elizabeth Warren spent her career fighting for average Americans and has laid out some of most detailed policies for affordable child care and breaking up the big tech monopolies, rocketed her polling up to 6%.
-Sen. Kamala Harris has impressed Dems with her interrogation skills in hearings, but is confusing critics as to what they should “hate you for” because her parents were Indian and Jamaican and she identifies as black.
-South Bend, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg was called the future of the Dem party by Obama but was revealed to be a Hufflepuff, “and I do hope the Daily Beast quotes me on this tomorrow: @allHufflepuffsarenarcs,” Bee announced.
-Former HUD secretary Julian Castro has a twin brother, “so we can finally have that White House themed remake of The Parent Trap we’ve all been longing for.”
-“And then there’s Tulsi Gabbard. Nope.”