CBS late-night star Stephen Colbert joined the fracas over Fox News Channel star Tucker Carlson’s on-air assertion the United States is becoming a “poorer and dirtier” place because of people coming over the southern border.
Carlson “already has got a reputation for flirting with racism” and, last week, took it to “a racy new level,” Colbert asserted.
On his FNC primetime show, Carlson had complained that someone identified only as “they” insist “We have a moral obligation to admit the world’s poor…even if it makes our own country poorer and dirtier and more divided.”
“Now, if just listening to him saying that makes you feel dirty and more divided, you are not alone,” Colbert assured viewers. “Tucker got a lot of heat for those remarks. But he’s nothing if not a Little Racist Who Could,” and “came chugging back up that hill” with a new explanation for his remarks: “He just cares so darned much about the environment.”
Immigrants crossing the southern border, Carlson said on his program, badly hurt the country’s natural landscape with all their garbage.
“Good point, because Americans never do that,” Colbert snarked. “Have you seen the desert after Coachella? I don’t hear Tucker calling to deport a bunch of Forever21-wearing white girls named Blake!”
Despite now being under attack for his remarks with an ad-boycott campaign, “Tucker is staying focused,” Colbert acknowledged, this week revealing “The war on Christmas is a global struggle” including Scotland, where the coffee shop in the country’s parliament building has stopped selling gingerbread men.
“Why? Gender specific,” Carlson scoffed. “They’re now called gingerbread people.”
Chimed in Colbert, “What’s next? Ladyfingers becoming Peoplefingers? Instead of Lorna Dunes I gotta eat Larry Dunes?”
Tucker, Colbert noted, has “oodles” of objections” on this topic, saying of the cookies, “You don’t want to give them a gender without their consent. You don’t even want to know how many bathrooms there are in gingerbread houses now – a lot!”
Colbert parted company with Colbert on that point: “All bathrooms in houses are gender neutral!” he said. “You do not have one for men and one for women. You have one for company and one for pooping.”
But, a “cookie expert” assured Carlson “obviously they’re men.”
Colbert concluded Fox News viewers obviously need the reassurance that all foods have a clearly delineated gender:
-Fruit by the foot: “Clearly male.”
-Cheese danish: elderly widows.
-A two-pack of Twinkies: “fraternal male twins.”
-Chocolate-dipped pretzel sticks: “single women in their 30’s still figuring it out.”
“And the tainted cookie dough that called for salmonella poisoning – is Tucker Carlson.”