Hello Donald it’s me – the guy you made sure everyone knew was Jewish, on Twitter.
Stewart told Trump he knows that he too is upset, what with all the criticism he has been taking, from “Fake News” and the late-night shows, explaining, “It’s just that we’re all still having a little trouble adjusting to your presidency as it goes into its 500th year.”
It’s tough for many Americans to get used to the idea that Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are “noble, intelligent role models, and Canada’s a bunch of giant assholes,” Stewart explained.
Making it even harder, Stewart suggested, “no mater what you do, it always comes with an extra lawyer of cruelty and dickishness.”
“It’s not just that you don’t want people taking a knee; it’s that they’re ‘sons of bitches’ if they do. It’s not just denying women who accuse you of sexual assault; it’s saying they’re too ugly anyway.”
“You’ can’t just be against the media; they’re ‘enemies of the people’. It’s not even partisan anyone in the Republican Party dares to disagree with you, they also must be humiliated, even if they have a terminal disease.”
Stewart told Trump his immigration policy seems to have been that step too far.
“Donald you could have absolutely made a more stringent border policy that would have made your point about enforcement,” Stewart admitted. “But I guess it wouldn’t have felt right without a Dickensian level of villainy. You casually separated people seeking asylum from their children. From babies!”
Still, Stewart had come to negotiate an end to Trump’ “gratuitous dickishness.”
“You love the dictator thing. How about we give you a giant building with gold toilets and your name on it in giant letters?”
Colbert popped up from under the desk, to whisper the bad news in Stewart’s ear.
“THAT’s where he used to LIVE?” Stewart asked Colbert incredulously.
So, Stewart offered Trump “a whole news network, and they’ll spend 24 hours ever day praising everything you do.”
More Colbert whispering.
“Named for a small ANIMAL?” Stewart gasped.
“How about we have a volcano destroy a large portion of the home state of your enemy Barack Obama?”
Colbert in his ear again.
“He f*cking destroyed HAWAII?!?!”
Realizing the futility of his plan, Stewart informed POTUS he draws the line at letting him and his sycophants try to “turn your cruelty into virtue,” setting up clips of Sean Hannity, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, The Mooch, and others, attempting to do just that.
In Abraham Lincoln’s Cooper Union Speech, Stewart told Trump, which may have been news to him, 16 had pointed to the one thing southern slaveholders really wanted from the free states: “This, and this only: cease to call slavery wrong, and join them in calling it right.”
“It was on this point that Lincoln said the union could not bend,” Stewart explained to Trump.
“And what Donald Trump wants is for us to stop calling his cruelty, and fear and divisiveness wrong, but to join him in calling it right. And this we cannot do.”