“Just like a blobfish, the game was ugly, sloppy and, within moments, we were gasping for air,” Kimmel warned JKL viewers.
He described the game as “very rough and nothing but fouls.”
“I have bruises all over my body. He kept poking me with his hooves,” Kimmel explained. “The game went on so long, by time it was over Jay-Z and Beyonce had written and produced an entire new album.”
But, he noted, it’s always been a dream of his to play basketball one day “against the least popular member of the U.S. Senate.”
Kimmel spent a lot of time, and lung capacity, trash-talking Ted:
“Did you spend more time this week practicing basketball than trying to get those kids out of that detention center? It seems like it,” he snarked at Cruz.
Later, when the ref took pity on these two old winded guys and changed the rules, Kimmel explained to the stadium crowd, and Cruz, “The ref is having mercy on us now. See, this is a good lesson for you and those kids in that detention center.”
“What about all the kids Obama detained?” Cruz huffed and puffed.
“Yeah, if there were any, you should have done something about that too,” Kimmel gasped.
Later, Cruz asked Kimmel if he voted for Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders.
“I voted for Hillary,” Kimmel acknowledged.
“How’d that work out?” Cruz wondered.
“Badly…Nothing has ever worked out worse than that worked out. I’m glad to see you’ve forgiven Donald Trump about all the horribly things he said about your family, your father,” Kimmel cheap-shotted.
(During the campaign, Trump insinuated Cruz’s father participated in JFK’s assassination and retweet photos comparing his wife to Ted’s with the message “images are worth a thousand words.” Cruz responded angrily, “Donald, you are a sniveling coward and leave Heidi the hell alone. Our spouses and our children are off limits!”
Since then, Cruz endorsed Trump. During their hoops match, Kimmel told the stadium crowd, “I commend Ted on putting business first and his balls on a shelf somewhere.”
Responded Cruz: Speaking of balls, Jimmy, you’re a professional comedian. In eight years, did you ever make a joke about Obama?”
Kimmel noted he had, including a roast at the White House Correspondents Dinner.
Undaunted by the facts, Cruz continued. “I’ll tell you this: Hollywood would do better if they listened to the millions of Americans who are unhappy with the direction this country was going in under Obama.”
Yeah, that old gag.
Later, Cruz offered Kimmel a deal to give him a shot from where he was standing but “if you miss it, ABC has to put Roseanne back on the air.”
Kimmel made the shot. Sorry, Roseanne.
Later, as the competition and jabbing took its toll on the two middle aged, out of shape men, they huddled and Kimmel announced, “In the spirit of bipartisanship – (“and life, added Ted”) – we’re going to shorten the game to 11.”
“Who’s harder to defend?’ Kimmel asked, “Me or Trump?”