After opening his show with clips of some of most best-forgotten remarks of Gayle King during CBS’s coverage of the royal wedding, including, but not limited to:
-I just have one big goose bump all over my body.
-I’m going to change hats every hour on the hour.
-I feel like crying.
-I’ve seen some big bottoms and I don’t think that was one of them.
…and advising Bishop Michael Curry “that is the wrong room there, buddy” of remarks he made at the ceremony, “because, believe me, those are some of the most repressed people on earth,” Last Week Tonight host John Oliver talked about that other big event to happen during the week.
The proposed summit between Trump and Kim Jong Un is supposed to take place on June 12. North Korea now says it may call off the meeting with Trump over U.S. demands to denuclearize the Korean peninsula.
Both sides apparently have differing view of what “denuclearization” means. And North Korea objects to U.S. and South Korea holding a joint training exercise they decided to call Max Thunder, which Oliver argued, ” sounds like way too much like a porn name for a military exercise. It’s as if the Bin Laden raid had been called Operation Dick Thickhog: Bin Laden Goes Down.”
Negotiation with North Korea is clearly the tightest of tightropes to walk. Unfortunately, Trump did not bring a professional tightrope walker. Trump brought in his “old walrus” Bolton, Oliver rued.
Bolton made several TV appearances to talk about the summit. When asked if Kim Jong Un will be required to give away those weapons before the U.S. will give any kind of concession, he responded:
“I think that’s right. I think we’re looking at the Libya model of 2003, 2004.”
That literally is the worst thing Bolton could have said, Oliver suggested. “Like if your wife said, ‘Do these jeans make me look fat?’ and you said, ‘I’m fucking the babysitter.'”
The “Libya model” involved a deal the U.S. and others struck to get Libya to end its nuclear weapons program. For dictators like Kim Jong Un, that example is a bad one to bring up “for reasons so obvious even the human throw pillows on Fox & Friends could understand it,” Oliver said. To prove his point, he ran a clip of the F&F gang agreeing Bolton should not have mentioned Libya because “how did that end?”
How it ended was Gaddafi being dragged through the streets and killed, after his enemies reportedly sodomized him with a bayonet, Oliver reminded viewers adding:
And let’s agree that is the worst way to die right after being in a port-o-potty, when Beyonce walks in on you, and you’re not wearing pants. And you’re so embarrassed that you slam the door on her, and the force of the slam knocks the port-o-potty over a cliff. And, as you fall down you hear Beyonce yelling ‘You’ll never do anything as funny as Carpool Karaoke!’ And, as you land upside down, it hits you that the only one who can save you from drowning in your own feces is Dustin Hoffman, and the last words you hear are ‘Remember me motherfucker?!’”
“I assume that that fear is universal,” Oliver joked.
To recap, Kim Jong Un is touchy about what happened in Libya, Gaddafi’s death being a common obsession among autocrats, including Vladimir Putin. Which does not surprise Oliver in the least, because “if you told me there is a video Putin watches over and over again, I would guess it’s of someone being murdered.”
But, apparently, news to Bolton.
For sense of just how badly Bolton screwed up, Trump – “a man who would double down on a fucking typo” actually walked back Bolton’s comments, Oliver said. Trump, on TV said “The Libyan Model” is not at all what the U.S. had in mind for North Korea.
“That is the President of the United States directly contradicting one of his top advisers, a man who, incidentally, was in the room the whole time,” HBO’s late-night star said. Then Oliver addressed Bolton directly:
“Look John Bolton, how can I put this to you, what you did, in terms you might understand? Your decision to say the words ‘The Libya Model’ may have put your time in the White House on the path of ‘The Scaramucci Model’: you shoot your mouth off, get fired quickly, and end up posing for photos in front of a frozen yogurt shop with which you share a dumb nickname.
“And in term of sheer pain and humiliation, that exit truly is the equivalent of a bayonet up the ass.”