Samantha Bee: Jeff Sessions Played Folksy Prevarication Elf At Senate Hearing


Samantha Bee took a moment in Wednesday’s Full Frontal to mention President Donald Trump’s latest job disapproval ratings – 60% – before diving into discussion of America’s hottest summer replacement series, Witnessing History Unfold.

Unfortunately, compared to sacked FBI Director James Comey’s riveting performance at the Senate Intel Committee hearing, Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ palooza was “a southern-fried snoozefest,” she rued.

“After nervously reading the class his essay on ‘What I Didn’t Do Last Summer,’ Sessions got busy shuffling paper and catching up with his old Senate colleagues,” she described.

“After an hour of JeBeau’s folksy bullshit and selective amnesia, Senator Wyden got a little testy, telling Sessions the American people have “had it with stonewalling.” Which Sessions denied doing.

“That is actually true,” Bee conceded. “He is not Stonewall. Stonewall Jackson happens to be the one confederate icon Jefferson Beauregard isn’t named after. I guess his parents just ran out of space on the birth certificate.”

In his quest to run out the clock, the “DOJ garden gnome” got an assist from Arkansas Republican and Senate high school yearbook editor Tom Cotton, who” asked him such probing questions as ‘Do you like Spy fiction? John LeCarre? …Do you like Jason Bourne or James Bond movies?'”

In one of the odder moments of his testimony, Sessions shot back “No” then, appearing to sense a trick question, changed his answer to “Yes, I do.”

“Come on Beauregard! The ‘Do you like movies?’ question tripped you up? No wonder the Collusion Kids didn’t tell you they were dealing with Russia. You’re too slow to keep up,” Bee snarked.

The folksy prevarication elf had just put everyone into a coma, when they were suddenly jolted awake by a fast-talking lady lawyer, Sen. Kamala Harris. She unnerved him with her questioning causing the Attorney General to complain, “I’m not able to be rushed this fast. It makes me nervous.”

“Oh Senator Harris, look what you did! You have to understand about a third of Jeff’s RAM is dedicated to not saying the N-word, which just slows the whole system down,” Bee scolded. “And that goes up to two-thirds when a smart woman of color is lobbing questions at him like a tennis ball launcher!”

Deplorable Twitter and CNN’s paid Trump-bots had words for Harris’s precise, methodical questioning: “I think she was hysterical.”

Bee decided she needed to pace herself, because there’s no end in sight to the hearings.

“Think of it like the OJ trial: the same amount of backstabbing only with fewer celebrities, but still illustrating an epic divide in the nation.

“And, of course, everyone will shit on the female prosecutor.”

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