UPDATED with video: Saturday Night Live once again opened with a mock talk show, a device that allows the show to skewer a trio of shamed public figures.
Cruz was in the center of a media firestorm this week after it was revealed that he and his family flew from Texas to Cancun for a vacation, just as the state was in the midst of an emergency when severe cold weather left millions without power.
“You literally abandoned [Texas] and flew to Cancun for a family vacay-sh,” Spears grilled Cruz.
“That’s right. And now I am in a little bit of hot water, which I am told is a thing no one in Texas has,” Cruz said.
“Would you like to apologize?” Spears asked.
“Absolutely. I deeply regret my actions over the last couple of days, most flying United,” Cruz said. “I’m sorry, I am pretty bad at human stuff.”
Spears then asked, “Don’t you understand why people are calling you a coward?”
“Yeah, a coward is actually the nicest word I heard,” Cruz said.
Spears then goes into Cruz’s initial explanation for why he went to Cancun: to be a “good dad” and accompany his daughters on their trip.
“Would a coward have the cajones to blame his actions on his young daughters? You blamed your daughters!” she asked.
“Oh yeah, the whole trip was the girls’ idea. They love Cancun. There’s so much to do. The topless beach. Shots at Senor Frogs. Swimming with sick dolphins. They love it.”
Spears then responded, “As someone who has often blamed for other people’s problems at a young age — maybe leave your daughters out of it because it could really mess up with their heads.”
The next guest is Cuomo, who has been trying to manage the controversy over how he handled nursing homes during the Covid-19 pandemic. The state of New York has acknowledged that the numbers of deaths in such facilities was greatly undercounted.
“Some of the people who died in the nursing homes were not counted as nursing homes deaths. They were counted as hospital deaths, which is basically what happens at Disney World. People die and they move the bodies. They say, ‘I guess Brenda died in the parking lot, not on the Teacups. So we just did the Disney thing.”
“Don’t you think you ought to apologize?” Spears asked.
“Yeah,” Cuomo said, reluctantly.
“What was that?” Spears asked.
“I said I was sorry,” he responded.
“See, that wasn’t so hard. Bill de Blasio says you ought to be investigated.”
“I’d love to bury him in the tallest grave this city has ever seen!” Cuomo said, slipping back into indignation. “I will hire a hobo to Rick Moranis him so hard he will think he is back in universal pre-k! I’m sorry. I get a little angry now and then and always.”
The final guest was Carano, who was fired from The Mandalorian after she posted on Instagram a statement comparing Jews being beaten in Nazi Germany to the treatment of conservatives in America.
“I’ve done nothing wrong,” Carano said. “No one can even explain what I did wrong. Explain it.”
Spears responded, “Okay, on Instagram, you said conservatives have it as bad as people living in Nazi Germany.”
“Okay, congrats, you explained it. I never would have made that comparison if I’d known everybody was going to be such a Nazi about it.”
“Do you feel like you are a victim of cancel culture?” Spears asked.
“Absolutely. And I was cancelled by Disney? Disney is the moral high ground? Have you heard Br’er Rabbit’s accent on the Splash Mountain ride recently?” she responded.
Cuomo then interrupted, “Well, if you die on it, they’re gonna move the body.”
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