Anticipating millions of Americans watched the much-anticipated testimonies of Kavanaugh and the woman who accused him of sexual assault, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, Kimmel noted of the day’s TV fun, “People were crying in front of their televisions so hard you’d have thought Milo Ventimiglia got killed by a Crock-pot.”
Republican senators were very careful with Dr. Ford. “In fact, they were too scared to even question her,” Kimmel noted. “They hired a surrogate” in the form of a female prosecutor from Arizona.
The way they found this prosecutor is very interesting, Kimmel described.
“Senator Chuck Grassley, chairman of the Judiciary Committee, didn’t like the optics of 11 men questioning this woman. So one of his aides suggested, ‘Why don’t you hire a female lawyer to ask the questions?’ And Grassley was like, ‘There are female lawyers?!'”
They brought the female lawyer in to question Dr. Ford. She also was supposed to question Kavanaugh too.
“But, all of the sudden she disappeared. Like Roseanne on The Conners,” the ABC late-night host snarked.
Dr. Ford was an exceptionally believable witness by all counts. Even the gang at Fox News agreed.
She was, in fact, everything the Dems hoped she would be: polite, likeable, well-spoken. And Kimmel observed, “it was striking to see someone questioned before the Senate who actually answered questions” adding, “I think that’s a first.”
When Grassley called for recess, “things did not look good for the red team,” Kimmel said. “At halftime, it seemed like the Democrats were up 32-0.”
“Then Brett Kavanaugh sat down and delivered an impassioned, 45-minute speech, delivered like a frat out of Hell.”
Kavanaugh’s testimony was loud, angry, and tearful. Adding to the fun, some Republican senators on the committee put on quite a show of fabricated outrage.
“In particular, Lindsey Graham who, once Ford was safely out of the room, warned Democrats that, if this is the new normal, they’d better watch out for their Supreme Court nominees.
“As if Merrick Garland isn’t out there somewhere judging a dog show right now,” Kimmel responded to Graham.
“And once he got some camera time, someone must have told Lindsey that Donald Trump was watching, because he lit up like someone left a thumbtack on Liberace’s piano bench,” Kimmel added.
Throughout the day, Republicans and Kavanaugh made it clear they do not want the FBI to investigate the allegations against Kavanaugh, and see no reason to hear from the only possible witness to this alleged attack: Kavanaugh’s boyhood friend Mark Judge.
“Judge is the other guy Dr. Ford claims jumped on her. But they refuse to call him in to testify,” Kimmel vented. “How do you not call the other guy she said was in the room? That’s like questioning Beavis and not Butthead. It doesn’t make sense.”
Meanwhile, President Trump was unusually restrained during the testimony, not tweeting until it was over.
But his son did.
“DJTJ, Donald Trump Junior, weighed in on the hearing as it was happening with a number of idiotic comments, including his expert opinion on what he perceives to be inconsistencies when it comes to Dr. Ford’s fear of flying,” Kimmel snickered.
“He wrote, ‘I’m no psychology professor but it does seem weird to me that someone could have a selective fear of flying. Can’t do it to testify, but for vacation, well it’s not a problem at all.’ “
“You’re not a psychology professor,” Kimmel said agreeably. “You’re a dull-witted human canker sore who shoots baby hippos out of Daddy’s helicopter because it’s the only way he can get an erection.”
“Go rub a tub of Axe Extreme Hold Hair Gel onto your empty head you chinless son of a Circus Peanut. Could there be a dumber thing to be than Donald Trump Junior?”