Bill Maher has offered Mitt Romney $1M to take over the United States.
The HBO late night star reminded viewers that, when the former Massachusetts governor ran for POTUS in 2012, “I was so scared Romney was going to be president I gave Obama a million bucks.”
Explaining what a difference a few years, and one Donald Trump presidency, can make, Maher announced, “I would gladly give Romney $1M tomorrow if he would take over America. Swear to god!”
“I will become a Mormon, how about that?” the well-known atheist said, upping the offer on Bill Maher: Live From Oklahoma, on HBO.
Maher has no patience with those saying, as Robert Mueller’s Russia election-meddling investigation continues, that Veep Mike Pence would be worse than Trump. Maher is no Pence fan, deriding him as one of two “Super Christians” who came to Trump’s defense when the Access Hollywood tape came out (Jeff Sessions being the other.)
He described both men as “people who start every debate with ‘Well, I’m a Christian,'” translating that as “Why even have this argument? I win automatically because I believe in an intellectually embarrassing Bronze Age myth.”
“I saw that they were trying to use the Bible to justify separating children from their parents at the border. So I hope you will agree with me that, above all things in this world, what needs scrutiny and criticism is religion. And that means all of them,” Maher said, pivoting to a favorite topic: “This ridiculous fetish-izing of Islam on the part of liberals has got to stop.”
“I’m not anti-Muslim; I’m anti misogyny; I thought feminism was a thing with liberals,” Maher chided.
“Yes, I’m against it when they throw a tarp over a woman like a motorboat. Have you ever tried one of those things on? It’s stifling,” Maher described of the burqa. “Men make women walk around all day in a fucking voting booth so [men] don’t have to be responsible for their erections. Your move, #MeToo.”
But mostly, Maher spent the hour talking about Trump, describing him as a “malignant narcissist.”
Trump cannot imagine a reality that does not match his perception, Maher observed, noting that’s why, on Trump’s first day in office, he saw multitudes who did not exist at his inauguration.
That’s also “why he thinks he has a big dick; it’s the biggest one he has,” Maher explained. “Doesn’t everything about this man just scream micro-dick? Talking about his dick at the debates? THAT guy is president.”
Talking about Trump’s rampant insecurity, Maher asked what previous POTUS ever needed to have “emergency flattery meetings” at which his cabinet sits down at a long table and takes turns telling Trump, “You shine with the light of a thousand suns,” and “Mr. President thank you for letting us have you as our president.”
“I guess we forgot that the president is supposed to lift us up, not the other way around,” Maher laughed. “Who has rallies AFTER the election is over? Only this psychopath!”
Previous presidents did not know much, like George W. Bush, and Reagan who, in his last year in office “thought the coat rack was Barbara Stanwyck,” Maher quipped.
But while we’ve had “dumb-ass presidents,” we have “never had one so aggressively stupid. He takes pride in the fact you cannot get information into his head,” the comic said.
“We don’t know how he gets information. It is entirely possible Sean Hannity blows it directly up his ass,” Maher suggested.
Even so, Maher said he hopes those who think Pence would be worse, will reconsider. “Mike Pence is the kind of loathsome Christian hypocrite that, if I didn’t hate religion already I would start,” Maher described.
“But Mike Pence is not trying to become a dictator. He does not talk about locking up journalists and political opponents. He can name all three branches of government. He is within the normal parameters of Republican awful. He is not the head of a crime family.”
Maher tore through Trump’s cabinet too, describing just-ousted EPA chief Scott Pruitt as a scam artist on such an impressive scale that “I think Scott Pruitt might be three raccoons under a trench coat.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions “is a Confederate soldier,” while Education Secretary Betsy DeVos “is mentally challenged,” Maher said. And when Energy Secretary Rick Perry ran for POTUS in 2012 on a platform to cut three governmental departments of which he could only remember two, the one he could not remember is the one he now heads. “That is some performance art,” Maher acknowledged.
Democrats “just gotta win; we cannot blow any more elections,” he warned. “So, next time, a little more about ‘We’re going to bring your jobs back’ and a little less about ‘We’re going to make you pee next to a guy in a dress’,” he advised.