“You might be thinking right now ‘Hey didn’t you shut down the show last week after Russell Crowe name a Koala Chlamydia Ward after you?’ Well, yes I did do that. In fact, I went to Australia to work with the Koalas,” he explained.
Where, he learned two important things:
“First, HBO contracts are a little harder to get out of then I originally thought. And, second, these horny little fuckers are not as cute as you’d expect. They are nasty, they are mean, they’re not even technically bears, and all they kept asking is whether or not I knew James Corden, and I don’t.”
“So, unfortunately for everybody, this show must continue,” Oliver announced.
He then turned talk to the Trump White House, “the only home in America where the next occupant will have to ask, ‘What’s the best way to get cum stains out of the Abe Lincoln’s ghost?'”
“Yeah, we’re back!” Oliver smiled.
Another big week for Trump, who got three detainees out of North Korea “which was great,” pulled out of the Iran nuke deal “Which may prove to be catastrophic,” and White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said immigrants lacked the skills to assimilate, “which is ironic coming from someone with the surname ‘Kelly’,” Oliver observed.
And, First Lady Melania Trump announced her anti-cyberbully program, appealing to people to be kind, which made it a little more jarring when the White House almost immediately thereafter refused to acknowledge or apologize for a staffer’s joke that Sen. John McCain’s opposition to POTUS’s CIA director pick did not matter because “he’s dying anyway.”
“That is shocking but it’s also not really surprising,” HBO’s late-night star said, calling such behavior in Trump’s White House “an assumed fact, like gravity, and the fact that Young Sheldon will some day grow up and look nothing like Jim Parsons, and then all hell will break loose loose because the world can’t handle an inconsistency like that.”
Oliver turned his attention to Trump’s former personal attorney Michel Cohen, “a lawyer so shitty he made Trump say, ‘I need someone good, get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone’.”
Cohen, already was in hot water over alleged NDA payment to porn star Stormy Daniels, now faces allegations of receiving millions of dollars in payments for selling access to POTUS.
Among the companies, AT&T, which is trying to take over HBO’s parent company Time Warner. Time Warner said it paid Cohen to “better understand the president’s thinking.”
“Which is just ridiculous. Because if you want to understand this president’s thinking, simply have a donkey kick you in the head five time, and then watch Fox News for 72 hours straight,” Oliver snarked.
“These companies got exactly what they paid for,” he insisted. “They wanted to understand how the Trump administration worked…They put their trust in a political novice, who turned out to be a total moron, and it was actually just bilking them for personal gain.”
“Congratulations you just got a fucking master class.”