Finishing up his New Rules segment, Maher said New York City has to stop exporting its garbage to the rest of America.
“The infamous garbage barge, the train of sewage sent to Alabama. And worst of all, now the city’s most toxic trash has been sent off to Washington D.C.” as photos of President Trump, his old personal lawyer Michael Cohen, and his new personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani popped up on the screen.
“No, New York is not sending us its best people,” Maher snarked. “It’s a great town but it also breeds a certain type of obnoxious, in-your-face meathead that used to be safely quarantined by the lack of decent pizza west of the Hudson.
Tom Barrack, Former Colony Capital CEO Who Chaired Donald Trump's Inaugural, Arrested On Illegal Lobbying Charges
“Trump, Little Trump, Giuliani, Michael Cohen, The Mooch, The Mnuchin”– big personalities, colorful characters, guys who eat on the phone. Human steamrollers who would manspread on a life raft. What the heartland used to call ‘assholes’,” Maher said.
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“What happened to your values? What happened to good manners and and monogamy? You’re my word is my bond people. These guys lie just to stay in practice,” he said. “You’re all about an honest day’s work. Trump watches TV until noon. You’re frugal. They spend like identity thieves who got hold of your PIN number.”
“You’re stoic. Trump’s a whiny little bitch,” Maher said – an applause line that went over very big.
Maher has a theory:
“You did not like it that the country was ‘taken over’ by liberals and feminists and elites, whatever. So you were feeling vulnerable and disrespected. So you brought in some muscle from the East Coast for protection. And now you’re married to the mob.”
“Cause that’s what this administration is: a protection racket. That’s what freaked out Comey about Trump. He had served Democrats and Republicans. He never worked for Childish Gambino. He couldn’t believe it when Trump said to him, ‘I hope you can let this go’ like the health inspector just found a finger in the linguini.”
“People call this presidency a reality show. It’s more like a Scorsese movie,” Maher insisted.
And then he demonstrated:
When Trump was accused of sexual harassment during the campaign, he brought in Bill Clinton’s accusers to sit in the gallery at the debate, “just like Michael Corleone brought Frank Pentangeli’s brother into court.”
Trump has surround himself with “disposable lawyers and idiot members of his own family.”
“Who is his worst enemy? The FBI.”
“Where does his money come from? He’s in construction.”
“He’s so much like a Don his name is literally Don.”
“What part of this isn’t mob-like?” Maher challenged his audience to tell him.
“They’re using a legitimate front business, in this case the White House, to enrich the family. He’s got a consigliere who says things like ‘Men are disposable, but a fine woman like Ivanka’ – who’s writing this dialogue, Mario Puzo?”
Trump had a personal Luca Brasi-like bodyguard. “He’s got the Jew bookkeeper,” Maher continued, on a roll.
“He’s got the up-and-coming good earner, Scaramucci, who’s cut from the same cloth as the Don: rayon.”
He’s even got the fat guy from New Jersey, who he keeps around to make him look thin.
“And Joe Pesci was the campaign manager,” Maher snarked, over a photo of Paul Manafort.
“Oh and, of course, Fredo. Who they send to handle little things, like peace in the Middle East,” he added, as Jared Kushner appeared on screen.
Last week on Fox News Channel, Giuliani said “Michael Cohen did his job: he made it go way.” Which, Maher noted, “is what a fixer does” and explains why “always has the look of a rat that can’t get out of the toilet.”
As someone who never liked Donald Trump, even before Trump got into politics, his being president has been “quite a revelation” for Maher.
“I always thought of him as an egomaniac and a blowhard. But I did not realize until this year, he’s a cheap hood all along, a common thug,” the comic said.
Reminding viewers Cohen once said to a reporter, “Tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting,” and that Stormy Daniels claims Trump sent a henchmen to say her daughter was a “beautiful little girl” and what a shame it would be if anything happened to her mother, Maher warned his audience, “This is what you get, when you get in bed with the mob.”
“Maybe that’s OK with you. Maybe you said to yourself, ‘this business we’ve chosen’,” Maher cautioned.
To which he added, as a photo of Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton came on screen, “But I got to say, if you sold your soul to get protection from these two grandmas, the Big Pussy is you.”
Check out Maher’s New Rules finale above.
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