“Here we are at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Like a porn star says when about to have sex with Trump: let’s get this over with,” Wolf began, setting the tone.
“I’m here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I’m not trying to get anything accomplished. So, everyone who’s here from Congress: you should feel right at home.”
Though the country is more divided than ever, she said, it is a great time in America for crafts stores.
“Thanks to Trump, pink yarn sales are through the roof,” Wolf explained, adding that when she first saw the pink hats women wore to march in protest of the newly elected president, she thought, “That’s a pussy? I guess mine just has more yarn on it.” Taking a beat, Wolf told a shocked ballroom the White House Correspondents Association maybe “should have done some research before asking me to do this.”
Wolf gave the room full of press a thrashing, as Stephen Colbert had done so many years ago in a WHCD Dinner appearance that TV news talking heads were still talking about tonight, in the walk-up to Wolf’s appearance, as if Colbert’s speech had been the one that could not be topped.
They were wrong.
“I know a lot of you want me to talk about Russia, Putin and collusion,” she said, but would decline because “I never wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm.”
“Except for you, Jake Tapper,” Wolf enthused. Tapper’s network, CNN, which loves to cut to its table at the clambake whenever their networks is referenced, held off for maybe the first time in WHCD history.
Wolf credited CNN with loving to “break news. You did it. You broke it. Good work. The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.”
“Fox News is here, so you know what that means, ladies: Cover your drinks,” Wolf warned.
“People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity. I cannot do that. This dinner is for journalists,” the comic said, getting some applause in the massive ballroom.
“We’ve got MSNBC here,” she said, noting its new slogan is This Is Who We Are.
“This is not a good slogan,” she advised, telling them it’s what their mom thinks that “new sad show on NBC is called.”
“I watch Morning Joe every morning,” she confided, noting Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough are engaged. “Congratulations! Like when a #MeToo works out.”
Rachel Maddow is “The Peter Pan of MSNBC,” she said. “But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point. Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk but left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire.”
“And…what would I do without Megyn Kelly? Probably be more proud of women,” Wolf blasted. “Megyn Kelly got paid $23 million by NBC and then NBC didn’t let her go to the Winter Olympics. Why not? She’s so white and cold and expensive she might as well BE the Winter Olympics. And, by the way, Megyn, Santa is black. That weird guy going down your chimney was Bill O’Reilly.”
Wolf excoriated cable news networks who “could be covering anything” but instead cover just three things: Trump, Russia, Hillary, and with a panel of people “who remind you why you don’t go home for Thanksgiving.”
“You guys are obsessed with Trump,” Wolf chastised. “Did you use to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him but I think you love him.”
“I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you,” she continued to scold. “He couldn’t sell steaks, or vodka, or water, or college, or ties, or Eric. But he has helped you sell your papers, and books, and TV,” she said, as some of the more uncomfortable attendees were maybe thinking Trump got it right when he decided to give this a miss.
“You helped create this monster and now you’re profiting off of him. And if you’re going to profit off Trump you should at least be giving him some money, because he doesn’t have any. Trump is so broke he grabs pussies because he thinks there might be loose change in them.”
Wolf targeted Democrats, saying it was crazy that Trump’s campaign was in contact with Russia during the election “when Hillary’s campaign wasn’t even in contact with Michigan.”
Al Franken’s #MeToo ouster hurt liberals, she said, “but it was the great Ted Kennedy who said, ‘Wow! That’s crazy! I murdered a woman! Chappaquiddick – in theaters now.”
It’s harder to make fun of Democrats, she admitted, “because you guys don’t do anything. People think you might flip the House and Senate, but you guys always find a way to mess it up.” She forecast the Dems would lose by 12 points “to a guy named Joe Pedophile Nazi Doctor.”
Republicans took incoming too. Trump’s cabinet, she described as exiting quicker “than Starbucks throws out black people.”
“You guys got to stop putting Kellyanne [Conway] on your shows. She lies. If you don’t give her a platform she has nowhere to lie. It’s like that old saying: if a tree falls in the woods, how do you get Kellyanne under that tree? I’m not suggesting she gets hurt, just stuck. Incidentally, ‘tree falls in woods’ is Scott Pruitt’s definition of porn.”
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was sitting on the stage where Trump would have been seated, Wolf likened to Aunt Lydia in The Handmaid’s Tale, telling her, “if you’d seen it you would love it.”
Sanders was not amused.
But Trump took the biggest beating.
Noting he did not attend the event for a second year, Wolf said she would drag him to the ballroom herself, “but turns out the President of the United States is the one pussy you are not allowed to grab.”
“He said it first!” she protested when some members of the audience groaned.
Wolf does not support the idea of impeaching the president, because then we’d have Mike Pence as our POTUS, and Mike Pence is “what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay,” she said.
“I know people really want me to go after Trump,” she said, but had to admit he deserves credit for pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord, after he promised to pull out, which, she said, was “a refreshing quality in a man.” It was just one of several X-rated moments in her 20-something minute long address.
Trump is racist, she said. “He loves white nationalists. Which is a weird term for a Nazi. It’s like calling a pedophile ‘kid friendly,’ or Harvey Weinstein ‘a ladies man.’ Which is not fair; he also likes plants.”