Donald Trump’s wafer-thin distance from official obesity greased most late-night comedy monologues last night, but only Jimmy Kimmel Live took the president’s physical exam to horrific levels.
“I can now confirm that President Trump’s hair has taken over his brain,” said a “doctor” on Kimmel’s show, explaining that Trump’s Just for Men hair coloring (the “burnt marshmallow” shade) has blended with a “high level of french fry oil” to create a hair parasite, or a “hairasite,” which causes victims to “say racist things.”
At that point, the “hairasite” swooped in like a demonic comb-over. Take a look at the clip above.
Special effects aside, Kimmel’s best joke on the topic came in stunned disbelief of the president’s excellent health report. “He sneezes and gravy comes out of his nose,” the host marveled.
Over on CBS, Stephen Colbert marveled at the results of Trump’s hale and hearty condition. “So despite all evidence,” said the host of CBS’ The Late Show, “Donald Trump does have a heart.”
Colbert noted how “awfully convenient” it was that Trump came just “one pound shy of obesity,” then, in his best Trump voice, said, “Listen doc, I don’t want to be obese. But I feel like this wad of cash is about one pound, why don’t you take that off my hands and weigh me again, ok?”
Equally stunned was Trevor Noah. The host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show noted, “No heart problems, no dementia, no dentures…That means he’s doing all this sh*t on purpose?”
Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC’s Tonight Show, had a different take on Trump’s health report, as presented by the president’s physician Dr. Ronny Jackson.
“Trump thanked Jackson,” Fallon said, “and told him to say hi to his brothers Jermaine and Tito.”
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