With all the sexual harassment allegations in Hollywood, Samantha Bee thought it an appropriate time to release a special “Penis PSA” to let men know what to do and what not to do with their penis — mostly what not to do.
“Fellas, I’m a big comedy star slash Hollywood executive, and I’ve found that it’s quite easy not to masturbate in front of my employees,” Bee said. “In fact, it’s one of the easiest things I don’t do. Every day, I wake up, get dressed, take the subway to work, and then don’t masturbate in front of anyone.”
Cleverly in the style of those popular “The More You Know” PSAs, Bee goes on to tell men that their penises are ugly and that “no one wants to see your dick in any context.” With her deadpan expression she continues, “Even the straightest, horniest woman who loves you the most is hoping you can get it inside her without her having to look at it, so definitely don’t show it to strangers, don’t text pics of it to people, and don’t whip it out at film festivals. Your dick is objectively the worst part about you.”
The biggest takeaway from her PSA is simple: unsolicited masturbation is bad. She didn’t name any specific names, but we certainly get the idea.
“Don’t masturbate in front of people who haven’t specifically asked you to, and even then, stop and ask yourself, ‘What is our power dynamic?'” she advises. “‘Is there a chance in hell that this person might only be agreeing to see my hideous dick out of fear for their career?’ If so, make a good business choice and keep your business in your pants.”
She closed that PSA with a “Good talk, guys.” Her smile soon turns into a scowl as an eggplant emoji flies across the screen.