“Much has changed in the world, since I last spoke on this stage,” Samantha Bee said, kicking off Turner Networks’ Upfront palooza on Wednesday.
“Remember last May, when we were all worried … Ted Cruz might capture the Republican nomination? And now our former FBI director has destroyed two presidencies in just under six months, and the House vote to repeal Obamacare was only two weeks ago. You know what? I’m going to stop myself; I’m not going to go there. I swore a blood oath to TBS I would try to be as non-partisan as possible this morning.
“So I’m just going to take all of the controversial things I was dying to say and put them in my c*ck holster for later,” Bee said in a nod to her fellow Daily Show alum Stephen Colbert.
“Of course we have been having a lot of fun at Full Frontal, celebrating all of our favorite parts of the Constitution that are currently on fire,” Bee continued. “And we’re just going to keep making jokes until someone in Washington decides to pick up a f*cking bucket of water.”
Noting the ratings success of her Not the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Bee said her producers “realized we had something special on our hands, and announced Not the Senate Intelligence Hearings “where everybody immediately acknowledges Russia’s clear involvement in our election,” and Not the Health Care Reconciliation Process – “it will be just like the real one, except it will actually happen.”
Bee took a moment to thank “all of our precious and attractive advertisers for their patience and intestinal fortitude.”
“We appreciate that we are a challenging show for brands. But I assure you that we always have someone watching out for us to keep us on the straight and narrow,” Bee said, quickly correcting herself: “Sorry, I meant ‘to keep us out of jail’.”
“Our Standards and Practices team is the best in the business, and we cherish them,” she assured, sharing with the hall a recent email exchange with S&P over a language choice in a recent episode. It went like this:
Full Frontal to S&P: “Can we use ‘twat’ in reference to a vagina? Please let us know as soon as you can. Context. Rick Scott’s spent most of his administration relaxing Florida’s gun laws until they’re looser than the twat of an elephant who just had triplets.”
S&P to Full Frontal: “This use of ‘twat’ is approved by S&P. We can approve the wide shot of the elephant birth; however S&P cannot approve the medium shot of the elephant’s vagina. Please let us know if you have any questions.”
“These people are worth their weight in gold, and I hope we are paying them enough to afford the best therapy our health care system has to offer,” she said. “I’m almost positive I’m the first person to stand on a stage at an Upfront and say ‘elephant twat.’ You are welcome.”
Wrapping up, Bee called TBS “an amazing and supportive network” and assured advertisers “we want to work with you. Yes, we are irritating and yes, we are high maintenance. But we are flexible and we adhere to the laws in many of the 50 states.
Then, Bee introduced someone who has “truly defied the odds: a white male ivy-league graduate who rose to the top and now runs a TV network. Way to shatter that glass ceiling, brother! #boypower! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kevin Reilly.”