“I know! We couldn’t believe it either!” she enthused of CNN’s Very Good Day.
It all started with a week in which the Constitutional Crisis Check-in included:
- Nordstrom not being seized by the National Guard. Yet.
- Napoleon Bonatrump pre-blaming the judiciary for the next terrorist attack. “To save time. He’s a businessman.”
- A sentient bag of hairspray fumes was put in charge of education.
- A human antidote to the Voting Rights Act moved forward with help from a very neutered blue dog (Sen. Joe Manchin D-WVA)
None of which was a surprise, Bee said.
CNN’s reaction, on the other hand, was.
“First, after briefly banning Kellyanne Conway for being a flaxen-haired fountain of lies, CNN let her back through the gates – straight into Jake Tapper’s cage,” Bee enthused.
Tapper set a new record for the most uses of the word “false” in an interview.
“Damn Jake! I didn’t think CNN let you use the F-word on air,” Bee said.
Then, CNN aired at enormous length, an audiocast of lawyers aruging the travel ban case.
“Honestly I have always wanted to live in a country where people listened to, and live-tweeted, important court cases about civil liberties,” Bee said, dreamily.
Next, CNN pretended the past year never happened, with a debate on the future of the Affordable Care Act starring Sens. Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders – who both had run for the White House eventually captured by President Donald Trump.
“It’s like Jeff Zucker looked at his election ratings and said, ‘What if it was election all the time?'” Bee observed. “This event that we expected to be a pointless train wreck, actually ended up being a semi-thoughtful debate on the merits and flaws of America’s healthcare system.”
Then she confessed, of watching that debate: “I can honestly say I would give my left tit to have either one of you wonderful mansplaining pricks in the White House right now.”
“We were watching CNN, and not just in an airport bar with the sound off. We saw you serve the public interest for almost half a day. And sure, it couldn’t last forever,” she said as a screen grab of Don Lemon appeared. “We’re just hoping you wake up hungry tomorrow.”