UPDATE with video: “Walking up to the debate, Dems had not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone,” Stephen Colbert said as he got underway with Late Show‘s live show following the first debate between GOP candidate Donald Trump and Dem’s Hillary Clinton: Word War One: de Late Show’s de Live Coverage Sorry America Your Time Is Up.
At tonight’s debate, Colbert said, Clinton needed to be confident but not smug; knowledgeable without being a know-it-all, charming but not affected, commanding but not shrill. Also likeable, warm, authoritative, and not coughing.”
Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder. On camera.
Instead of doing mock debates, Trump sat down with friends over bacon cheseeburgers and tested out zingers, Colbert said, adding, “Wow that’s how I prepared for tonight’s debate too!”
“He may not have prepared, but it looked like he didn’t,” Colbert joked, adding that Hillary was so prepared, his new nickname for her is Preparation H.
For months, Trump has questioned Hillary’s health, and, at the debate there was one possible health scare. “Trump sounded like he was fighting off a cold. With cocaine,” Colbert said of Trump’s constant sniffing, which had been noted by social media during the event.
Colbert began tonight’s live Late Show watching the Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton debate with the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln confessed he called his opponent Stephen Douglas’ mother a “short-legged donkey fondler” in the Great Debate of ’58. Lincoln is mortified to learn the country’s first black POTUS is a Democrat, and warns Colbert not to head to the theater for his show because “it’s a trap,” marking Late Show’s first assassination joke.
Colbert’s guest Rob Lowe declined to say if he was voting for Clinton or Trump, because he’s been added to the CBS series Code Black “and I want everyone to watch, no matter how stupid the voters are.”
Colbert noted Lowe starred in NatGeo’s adaptation of Bill O’Reilly’s book Killing Kennedy but, when asked if he could play Trump, admitted, “when I try my Trump out it comes across as my old manager, Bernie Brillstein.”
Lowe then pitched his age-combating serum, which Colbert tasted but Lowe explained it was supposed to be used under your eyes for bags. Lowe said it took him years to “design” this line, because, “you think I’m a natural chemist?”
“I really regret eating that,” Colbert admitted.
Guest Kal Penn talked about his time serving as associate director of public engagement at the Obama White House where, one day, he had to make a presentation to Obama in the Oval Office, to prepare for which he shaved and got a haircut and his suit pressed. Stepping into the Oval Office, Obama greeted him: “Hey, look who decided to shave today!”
“I can’t tell my mom this story,” Penn said on national TV. “No way. She’d be horrified.”