All of Donald Trump’s no-hard-work finally paid off on Monday during his first debate with Hillary Clinton, Samantha Bee snarked in a searing Wednesday edition of Full Frontal deconstructing Monday’s debate.
Hillary had the audacity to come to debate prepared, though Trump also did well for the 20 minutes, until Kellyanne Conway’s control collar fell off his neck, Bee explained.
That portion of the evening when Trump trotted out his “she doesn’t have the stamina to be president” gag, Bee advised him, “Just say ‘penis’ Don. Three syllable words don’t suit you.”
When “Captain Black Outreach” began to talk about bringing back “Law & Order” via “Stop and Frisk,” Bee reminded voters we’ve been there before, putting up on screen a Nixon-Agnew pin from 1968 that read “For Law & Order.”
In walk-up to the debate, Trump’s surrogates had assured their guy was going to wing it based on his real estate and reality-TV experience, while Trump himself warned America that “Hermione Clinton would be cheating by doing something called ‘preparing’,” Bee explained. Clinton had spent a month building elaborate trap for Trump, into which he lumbered; all she had to do was step out of his way while he called a woman ‘fat’.”
“Those wily Clinton bastards knew there are three things Trump can’t resist: calling women names, doubling down, and making dumb mistakes on Fox & Friends’,” Bee observed. And now, he has a problem, not only with a former Miss Universe pageant winner, but with any woman who has ever been called fat. “Which is all of us. We’ve been dealing with you our whole life,” Bee told Trump via TBS.
After the debate…and Trump bolted off stage to the spin room, to sooth his wounded pride with the balm of Sean Hannity’s slobbering adoration. Which is the point at which Fox News Channel’s Megyn Kelly told her viewers, “We’ve got Trump speaking to our own Sean Hannity,” adding, pointedly, “We’ll see whether he speaks to the journalists in the room after the interview.”
“Dear Diary, Today I saw Megyn Kelly use her mean-girl superpower for good. I think I’m in love,” Bee gushed.
The pageant moms of punditry kept offering Clinton advice throughout the debate, but not a one could be seen suggesting Trump wear suits that actually fit, going forward, or embrace his “baldness,” or not to “snort your way through the debate like Jean Pierre’s prize truffle pig.”
Hillary mopped the floor with Trump like an undocumented Honduran housekeeper at the Mar-a-lago during the debate, which means that for the next 48 hours, Trump’s team of flying monkeys spun “faster than our founding fathers in their graves,” Bee said Wednesday night.
“Hillary Clinton is never going to smile naturally enough for you. She’s never going to be a thrilling speaker. Her oratory is always always going to remind you a little of your least favorite history teacher’s lecture on the cotton gin.
“But we don’t need her to be warm and vulnerable. Turns out, what America really needs Hillary Clinton to be, she is: namely, one of the only people in the whole god damned country who is not afraid of a bully.”