“I’m not trying to say that this is meaningless,” said Patton Oswalt, who won an Emmy tonight in the variety special writing category for his Netflix stand-up show Patton Oswalt: Talking for Clapping, “But everything seems like the lights were turned down by 50%” Oswalt was talking about the death of his wife, true-crime writer, Michelle McNamara who died in April at 46.

“Every bit of growth that I’ve had in my career and in my writing and performing is because I met Michelle McNamara. I met this woman who was just so much wiser and self-actualized of life than I was. I had convinced myself that I was self actualized and mature, but then I met the real deal,” Oswalt revealed to the press backstage.

Since he was planning to speak from the heart, Oswalt admitted that it’s why he didn’t prepare a speech.

“It’s going to be a long time before I can be the person she made me again,” said Oswalt.