Jimmy Kimmel ABC upfronts 2014ABC late-night host Jimmy Kimmel gave his yearly network roast today in his 12th upfronts appearance. Last year he compared the network’s presentation to trolling a strip club for cash and pushed ABC’s multiplatform apps. This year he roasted outgoing Disney/ABC Television Group president Anne Sweeney, Entertainment Group president Paul Lee‘s praise of new comedy Black-ish, rivals NBC, CBS, and Fox, ABC’s lineup of new programs, and the baldfaced pitch for ad dollars that are the annual upfronts:

Related: ABC Upfronts Presentation 2014: Live-Blog

ABC-logo-2014__140506025424-150x150“Sorry I’m late, I got stuck in the elevator with this guy, he’s a rapper and his wife is a singer. His sister-in-law was very upset…

I don’t know about you but my favorite part of upfronts was Paul Lee saying Black-ish. Paul saying Black-ish is the ‘White-ish’ thing I’ve ever heard.

You heard Paul say we’re #1. I don’t know what this #1 brand bullsh*t is… We might have to crash on your couch for a while.

If anyone’s in the market for a director with no experience who’s used to a high-7-figure salary and used to no one getting in her way, make sure to accept Anne Sweeney’s invitation on LinkedIn.

Next year Ben Sherwood will be on this stage, it’ll be like Ben and Jerry the ice cream. We are going to be so baked.

I was on The View this morning — either that or was a dream and all my aunts were very mad at me. Barbara Walters is leaving – very carefully – because she wants to spend more time fighting with friends in real life. She will be missed.

We made history this year with Juan Pablo Galavis, our first non-white Bachelor, and everyone hated him so we’re not doing that again. So many exciting shows, most about superheroes and fairytales. We may be a terrible network but we’re a great birthday for 6 year olds.

Secrets And Lies will go 10 episodes, and most others will probably go shorter than that.

C-SPAN could’ve been #1 with the Olympics – those video screens at the gas station could’ve been #1 with the Olympics. Yet there was Greenblatt onstage rubbing his nipples onstage. It’s like if your adult cousin who works at Arby’s got a master’s degree.

NBC locked up the Olympics until 2032. They think we’ll still have winter by 2032. We’re all going to have sex robots in 2032, no one’s going to care about the luge.

You know what you do when you’re #1? You double down and you hit ‘em with Peter f*cking Pan. Is Bob running a network or a theater camp? Peter Pan and The Music Man will partner nicely with NASCAR.

Mark Burnett described AD as ‘Game Of Thrones meets The Borgias meets The Bible. I read a pitch for the show, it’s Total meets Cluster meets F*ck.

I’m interested tomorrow to see if there’s a change of attitude at CBS. To give you an idea, they almost didn’t beat us this year. They’re adding a new CSI, CSI: Cyber. People who watch CBS are like Sasquatch, I’ve heard reports they exist but I’ve never seen them.

Pilot season is the only season we have in LA. One [Kevin Reilly] picked up is a superhero show called Gotham. From what I can tell that show is for people who love everything about Batman except Batman…we’ll get to see The Dark Knight’s testicles descend every week.

Kevin Reilly says he’s making ‘eventizing’ a priority. That’s how I popped the question to my wife — ‘Honey, think I should eventize our relationship.’ Then I pregnantized her.

ABC is offering your client naming rights to my baby. For a $25 million media spend, my baby will be named for your product – introducing Crest Whitestrips Kimmel to the market place. It’s a concept I call ‘cervical integration.’

We have to find new ways to get the message to consumers. A lot of you are buying online, but like viruses resistant to antibiotics, people are resistant to online ads, although there’s no better way to reach the masturbating audience.

Hear that, we can buy Nielsen ratings — our problems are solved!

Programmatic buying is the gluten of advertising. Programmatic sales will do the same job you do without wasting 7 hours on Facebook. You’ll all be bartending at Applebee’s in a few years.

This year, I’m being serious – all of our new shows will be cancelled. We need to stop worrying about who gets best ratings. Our leader Paul says the mandate it you bring the passion, we’ll take off the handcuffs.

Don’t get attached to any of these shows – it’s like adopting a kitten with cancer. Too much? You’re gonna hate our new show, Kittens Waith Cancer.

Maybe you shouldn’t buy any advertising this year – pool your money and buy the Clippers.

You can spend dollars with CBS, NBC, Google but dying in your beds years from now, wouldn’t you be willing to trade your days for the chance to come back here to the year 2014 and say, I got very drunk and spent $10M on an ABC show called Selfie?

[Paraphrasing Braveheart’s William Wallace]: We will take your money, but we we’ll never take your freedom.

I have to pick up Alec Baldwin and his bike from prison, you eat your pork sliders. Let’s not do this again next year. Good night everybody!”