Needless to say, the following is a parody of the “Why We Write” campaign. This spoof was created by WGA members Lissa Kapstrom & Will Schifrin:
“I had a typical childhood, growing up in a modest, six thousand square foot house in Connecticut. My father was a hard working investment banker who liked to unwind by sleeping with my nannies, and my mother had a special talent for hiding her Librium addiction. Every night, after our icy silent dinners, I would retire to the great room to watch TV – classic shows like MASH, Cheers, Taxi and St. Elsewhere. I laughed, cried and was moved by the incredible story telling, and I knew that when I grew up I had to be a part of the magic that is the entertainment industry. Not as a writer – because who wants to be some pasty nerd who gets no respect, toils endlessly without fair compensation and doesn’t get laid? Hell no. I would become a member of the AMPTP. I make my own hours, drive a Ferrari and am dating a Czech supermodel. So, to paraphrase that writer guy Jimmy Brooks, ‘If you want your life to exceed your dreams, don’t write.’” — Richard W.
“Writing requires sitting at a table. I don’t do that.” — John L.
“When I was in middle school I suffered a debilitating injury that changed my life. I was doodling pictures of penises during math class when the teacher called my name, startling me so badly that I stabbed myself in the thigh with my pencil. I got severe lead poisoning, causing me to drop out of gym class (my best subject). After that, I devoted my life to fighting the scourge that is the No. 2 pencil. Soon others came to me with their horror stories involving other writing implements – a pen up the nose, a falling typewriter from a second story window, and let’s not forget all those exploding laptops. I knew this was an epidemic that had to be stopped. But how? I found my answer in the AMPTP, an organization dedicated to eradicating all writing instruments and those who use them. So why don’t I write? Because I’m trying to make the world a better place. Thank you.” — Gordon N.
“I can’t read.” — Mark C.
“Actually – don’t spread this around – but I’m working on a spec script. Here’s the opening: Fade in: Interior. Beach. No, wait. That should be Exterior. Beach. Aw, screw it.” — Roger D.
“It makes me sleepy.” — Dan R.
“I do write. Contracts. Ever heard of a little something called a $250 flat internet redistribution payment?” — Nick C.