So here’s what I have learned about all of you from this caption contest. That you really don’t like agents. That you hold them in contempt. That you don’t trust them. And that you’re all very psychologically damaged. Some of your answers made me groan. But a lot made me laugh out loud. A few made me fall off my chair. First, enjoy my favorites, then scroll down to see 3rd Place, 2nd Place, and 1st Place…

Writer: “Glad to see you Endeavored out here. Ha ha…”
Agent:  “And you ask why I can’t get you work?”

Writer: “Come on, you can’t take credit for the strike!”
Agent:  “No, seriously, I called Patric Verrone and told him you’d be perfect for it.”

Writer: “Eva Longoria took my picket sign.”
Agent:  “I’m sorry, she’s with CAA…”

Agent:  “As your agent I commend you for sticking up for what you believe is right.”
Writer: “Thanks.”
Agent:  “As your asshole, consider yourself dropped.”

Writer: “I’m writing a novel.”
Agent:  “Yeah, neither am I.”

Agent:  “Good news. You’re next in line for the new horror assignment everyone’s talking about.”
Writer: “What’s it called?
Agent:  “Force majeure.”

Writer: “You want to pitch a reality show?”
Agent:  “Look at the talent we’ve got here. It’ll write itself.”

Writer: “This is terrible. Looks like we’re in for a long stand-off.”
Agent:  “Yeah, it looks bad.”
Writer: “Then why are you smiling?”
Agent:  “Mark Burnett just sent me a hilarious email. Sorry, what were you saying?”

Writer: “10% of zero is zero.”
Agent:  “Wait, my Blackberry has a calculator. That doesn’t sound right.”

Agent:  “What happens if the producers hire scabs?”
Writer: “Take a look at the dialogue they’re writing in the comments on Deadline Hollywood Daily.”
Agent:  (Shudders)

Agent:  “When this thing blows over, come in for a meeting. I’d love to represent you.”
Writer:  “You already DO represent me.”

Writer: “Why should I turn around?”
Agent:  “Because if you don’t, I’ll just have to stab you in the side.”

Agent:  “Did you know that the executives at the top five AMPTP companies earn a combined $100 million a year?”
Writer: “So you get why maybe they could pay us fairly?”
Agent:  “No, I’m dropping you to rep Les Moonves.”

Writer: “Any word from the studios?”
Agent:  “No, but you guys are killing me. You got me ordering the blue plate special at Craft.”

Writer: “We’re strong, we’re united, we’re prepared, we’ll stay out weeks, months, more, whatever it takes (…sniffing). What’s that smell?
Agent:  “I just shit my pants.”

Writer: “You rep Satan, right? Who’s he siding with?”
Agent:  “He’s all pissed ’cause Fox just sent him a suspension letter for his development deal.”

Writer: “I’m only gonna get $200 a week strike pay!”
Agent:  “That’s OK. I’ll only take five percent.”

Writer: “I get ‘em in a three-pack at K Mart. All cotton so they breathe when I’m walking for my .003%. Good deal too, $4.99.”
Agent:  “I like a nice French lace thong, but it chafes and rides up a bit when I walk.”

Agent:  “I just got a call from Fox. They’re looking for someone to perform some of Shawn Ryan’s producer duties until the strike is over. We had business affairs go over the WGA strike rules and…”
Writer: “You’re starting to scare me again.”
Agent:  “What? You really think that I would suggest…? So, how are the kids?”

Writer: “Thanks for the doughnut.”
Agent:  “I’ll need 10% of it back now.”

Writer: “Wow, these are great doughnuts. Thanks!
Agent:  “Figured it would be a nice change after getting paid in peanuts.”

Writer: “Hey, you guys have been pretty quiet. How come you didn’t take a side in this?”
Agent:  “Oh, we did.”

Writer: “Can you believe Ellen? Crying about a fucking dog. Yet, when we strike, she’s as cool as a cucumber.”
Agent:  “Um, this is awkward. Iggy is my client.”

Writer: “Any news on the AMPTP side of things?”
Agent: “Well, they like how you all cluster into groups. Very retro.”

Writer: “You got me a meeting at the main Fox gate?”
Agent:  “Yes, but just be aware, they ARE seeing other picketers.”

Writer: “Now that we can’t talk business, I don’t really have anything to say to you.”
Agent:  “Now you know how I feel when we can conduct business.”

3rd.jpgWriter: “Did you call?”
Agent:  “Yes. Steve Levitan loved your chant, but said they have something like it already.”

2nd.gifWriter: “Uh, I was thinking half a dozen glazed and half a dozen sprinkles.”
Agent:  “No, it’s glazed, glazed, glazed… Nobody’s looking for sprinkles these days.”

And the First Place winner is: