I love Hollywood lists. I even love those flack-phonied-up Hollywood lists about “Best Feet” which are little more than an excuse just to mention actor clients who can’t get any other ink. Best of all are the cynical lists. So Film Threat has issued its annual 2006 “Frigid 50” List of the Coldest People In Hollywood “detailing the least-powerful, least-inspiring, least-intriguing people in all of Tinseltown” right now. I’ve picked out my favorites here. And remember to send those nasty emails to Film Threat (founded in 1985 by Chris Gore as an underground fanzine and in 1996 launched as one of the Internet’s first cinema-related web sites), not me. I get enough of ’em already:
“1. Mel Gibson: The good news is that Mel finally has something in common with the most popular man in America. The bad news is that Borat hates Jews, too. In even worse news, Borat is fictional and he was joking. With Mel, we’re not quite sure.
“3. Borat: How can the top box office winner for two straight weeks be on the Frigid 50 already? Simple: there’s no future for Borat. The surprise-faux-documentary filmmaking style won’t work a second time, the participants of the first film keep bringing lawsuits and Borat has gone from cute and misunderstood to recognizable and annoying, even getting physically assaulted in NYC after his Saturday Night Live taping.
“6. Mark Cuban: Hey, how about releasing a movie simultaneously in theaters, on DVD, and on TV? We’ve got a better idea: how about flushing money down the toilet? The results would be the same. Steven Soderbergh’s Bubble, the first and probably last movie designed for such a release, literally burst upon impact in this cockamamie distribution scheme back in January. Not surprisingly, Cuban is spending more time watching the Dallas Mavericks and screaming about Google’s acquisition of YouTube than rewriting the laws of distribution.
“9. Movie Critics: Roger Ebert, a national treasure and America’s last great critic, hasn’t written a review since the summer. Ebert is quietly recovering even while his show continues with a slew of guest hosts. But honestly, who cares what critics think? Not you — you people helped crap like X-Men: The Last Stand gross $200 million in spite of what the critics said; and not movie studios, who are making critics increasingly irrelevant by refusing to screen more and more movies in advance. The word is out: the real critics to listen to are the audience, and with everyone and their mother writing blogs or running their own website; the days of the elitist critic are over. I mean, the fact that all the writers on the Film Threat web site hold day jobs should tell you something.
“12. Scarlett Johansson: 12. Scarlett Johansson: Despite being a unique talent in Hollywood (boobs) with a distinctive voice (cleavage) and a strong work ethic (knockers), Scarlett can’t seem to find herself in any huge tits. We mean hits. The biggest hit of her career (breasts) came in a film where she barely said anything and opened with a title sequence on her pink-pantied bottom. Anti-Freeze: A Playboy spread – then we can finally stop fantasizing about her chest.
“31. DVDs/HD-DVD/ Blu-Ray:
It’s the battle for the end of the format! The one that comes out on top should have at least two weeks before everyone moves on to HD download-on-demand through their cable or internet. BitTorrents, MP3s… the kids coming up just do not have an attachment to a physical medium. Anti-Freeze: Drop the price, offer more content and shorten the release window. That should extend the lifespan of DVDs in any format for a bit longer.
“33. Jessica Alba: In her own words, “What happens when the looks fade? If I don’t establish myself as someone who can act a part rather than look the part, I will soon be finished.” Which is why she played a stripper in Sin City, cavorted in a bikini throughout Into the Blue, and flashed her undies in Fantastic Four. Anti-Freeze: As much as it hurts, a couple cameos in films where the clothes stay on and the acting is allowed to develop organically. Oh, too serious an answer? How about a bikini endorsement deal?
“47. Nicolas Cage: When you find yourself in a bear suit karate-kicking women who worship bees, it’s time to sit down with your agent and re-think your career. Anti-Freeze: Make your own Superman movie. We know you want to, you even named your kid Kal-El.“