As Washington politicos gathered inside the House of Representatives, and viewers at home settled in for the duration, Stephen Colbert issued video with the warning,  “no matter what he says tonight, here’s the real State of the Union”:

‘Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, Vladimir Putin,” Trump began, addressing those in attendance.

“The state of our union is a mess. I believe strongly in lying, and lying, and lying.”

And, don’t forget, I gave a lot of money to a porn star,” he said, as Morning Joe host Joe Scarborough is seen in the hall, clapping over that line.

“We have begun to drain the swamp of members of my cabinet,” Trump continued, as ousted HHS Secretary Tom Price is seen in the crowd.

“Watch me drink the water with two hands!” he demanded.

“The time has come to recognize that Donald Trump was never the right solution for our country,” Trump insisted, getting the night’s first standing ovation.”