“A terrible person did an unspeakable thing in our city. But you cannot scare New Yorkers. We still spent last night puking on cop cars while dressed as sexy Stranger Things kids. Then we rinsed our mouths and wrote a comedy show about other things. So, f*ck you terrorists.”
Then she pivoted to Robert Mueller’s indictments of Donald Trump campaign team members Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, because “at a time like this it’s important to focus on things that make us happy.”
She pictured the White House/snake pit, where insiders are “slithering around, giving each other the side eye, wondering who’s wearing a wire. They’re such bad people and they’re all so scared!” Bee enthused, acknowledging, “It’s the little things!”
Per usual, Team Trump had immediately done something “frantically racist” to distract us from how they are pillaging our democracy. The only surprising thing, Bee said, was who was doing the racist thing this time.
Cut to clip of White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, at a White House press briefing, explaining how lack of compromise led to the Civil War.
“Okay, f*ck all the way off with that revisionist ‘both sides’ bullsh*t,” Bee said, cutting him off, after the fact.
She mourned the loss of July John Kelly, who was going to whip President Trump into shape.
“July John Kelly was such a dreamy hunk of responsibility, even I did a segment on how completely awful he was,” Bee fessed up.
“What can I say? I would have been grateful to anyone that kept Trump’s merry band of nut jobs from Kramer-ing into the Oval Office whenever they felt like it. And it felt like he got it. Remember Trump’s bat-shit insane speech to the UN, when we all took such comfort in Kelly’s devastated face palm? It was like America was his head and, for just a moment, he was cradling all of us.”
But, Bee reminded, Kelly didn’t suddenly become a “racist dick-bag” and had, in fact been showing us for a very long time who he was. Before being named chief of staff, he’s been head of Homeland Security, “a position he got because his hawkish views on the southern border caught the severely bloodshot eye of Steve Bannon.”
Kelly was in charge of Trump’s two most racist policies: banning Muslims and deporting Mexicans. And you don’t put someone in that position “unless they’re true believers,” Bee schooled.
John Kelly, Bee said, is The New Ivanka.
“We cannot keep doing this, putting our faith in kinda OK white people. They are not going to save us. They are into it,” she said, cautioning her viewers to turn off CNN when it appoints our next moderate conservative savior, as a photo of John Kasich popped up on screen.