“I know a lot of people tune in to this show on a nightly basis, to get their news and information. They count on me to be a straight shooter with a calm voice,” CBS late-night host Stephen Colbert began, hours after Donald Trump and North Korean ruler Kim Jong-un launched their my-hands-are-bigger-than-yours war of words Tuesday.

“I don’t want to be alarmist: We’re all going to die,” Colbert continued, “because U.S. intelligence now believes North Korea is making missile-ready nuclear weapons.

“My god, Dennis Rodman, did you do nothing?!” Colbert chastised.

“The story gets worse because over the weekend the U.N. security council voted 15-0 to sanction North Korea. And, in response, North Korea warned they are ready to teach the U.S. a severe lesson with its nuclear strategic force,” the Late Show host informed his non-news watching/reading viewers – adding that other countries were not being threatened.

“Faced with the greatest challenge of his presidency, Donald Trump stepped up and, in a moment of pure statesmanship, de-escalated the rhetoric and brought calm to our worried nation,” Colbert lied, cueing up a clip of Trump, at his New Jersey golf club, delivering his “They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen” speech.

”Shut up!!” Colbert hissed. “You’ll get us all killed – and I just started The Handmaid’s Tale.”