UPDATED with video: Donald Trump’s news conference today “reminded me of something you’d see before a pay-per-view boxing event,” Jimmy Kimmel told his ABC late-night viewers.

Trump decided this morning to hold the unscheduled newser for reasons that were not made clear, though he did kick off the 80-minute performance with an announcement naming his new pick for Labor Secretary. “My guess is that he did it because he was mad and he just wanted to blow off steam,” Kimmel said, which is as good a theory as any we heard all day. “The tone of the press conference was like if your dad found a pack of cigarettes under your mattress. He was really mad. He talked for an hour and 17 minutes, which is more than he had spoken to Melania all this year.”

Noting Trump covered far too many subjects, Kimmel boiled down the 80 minutes clambake to the few minutes that ranked highest on the Crazy-o-Meter.  They included

Trump telling CNN’s Jim Acosta he’s changed his network’s name from “Fake News” to “Very Fake News.”

Trump asking American Urban Radio Networks reporter April Ryan to “set up a meeting” with the Congressional Black Caucus.

Trump lecturing that “the whole Russian thing is a ruse.”

Trump boasting, “The greatest thing I could do is shoot that [Russian] ship that’s 30 miles off  shore right out of the water.”

Trump assuring the press, “I’m really not a bad person, by the way – I do get good ratings, you have to admit that.”

Trump insisting his administration is running “like a fine-tuned machine.”

Trump marveling, “I can’t believe I’m saying I’m a politician – but I guess that’s what I am!”

“You know it’s a bad press conference when assuming all black people know each other wasn’t even the worst part of it,” Kimmel marveled.