Fred Caruso, who produced the irreverent off-Broadway shows The Big Gay Musical and Newsical The Musical, died Monday on Las Vegas, an apparent suicide. Caruso, who also produced the film adaptation of The Big Gay Musical and wrote and directed the 2011 film Go Go Crazy, posted a farewell on The Big Gay Musical Facebook page, saying that “for most of my life I have been absolutely miserable” except for “when I was creating. I have nothing left in me to create. I truly don’t think I have any idea what love or happiness is.”

Caruso’s friend and writing partner Rick Crom confirmed the news on Tuesday, describing him as a “tortured soul.”

The Facebook message, while chilling, also had streak of black humor. “I hate being around people,” Caruso wrote, “I hate meeting new people and I’m always waiting for someone to stab me in the back — let’s just say I have a whole culinary collection. To be clear, I haven’t forgiven anyone. All the grudges I’ve carried for years — I continue to carry. To those people that I hate — I hope I have the ability to haunt you for the rest of your lives.”

Caruso asked friends and family not to post on his wall or to plan any tributes; instead, he encouraged donations to Trevor Project, which provides suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ youth.