TV News assignment editors and late night comedy producers woke up this morning to their latest assignment from Donald Trump:
TV New networks have been all over this story ever since. Cruz’ communications director Rick Tyler has responded in a statement: “There are Twitter addiction support groups, so [Trump] should seek out his local chapter.”
With that wealth of material, hopefully, late night shows will do a better job tonight than they’d done last night mining Monday’s Iowa Caucuses for comedy. That may be because the good gags already had been delivered hours earlier, unintentionally, by political pundits appearing on news programs.
The Daily Show’s senior political correspondent Jordan Klepper, for instance, explained Iowa had been a “terrible night” for GOP winner Ted Cruz. Running for the White House is about managing expectations, building momentum, and should be run like a marathon. Cruz’s out-of-the-gat big win means that, three miles in, he’s going to collapse in a pile of his “own shredded nipples.”
On the other hand, Donald Trump’s second place finish among Republicans also was not a win, Klepper said. “Trump being humble is something no one wants to see…like walking in on your dad jerking off,” he added. Bernie Sanders’ second-place finish among Dems, however, was a big win because he virtually tied presumed victor Hillary Clinton. And Clinton’s win, like Cruz’s, was a huge loss. She needs to lose New Hampshire so she can stage a comeback in South Carolina. All of which was virtually identical to the conversation, hours earlier, on Don Lemon’s CNN show. Only funnier. Because, well, Don Lemon.
Faring not much better, Conan O’Brien said, “Trump blamed the media, bad weather, and Iowa’s 3 Muslims” (Remember, he hadn’t yet seen this morning’ Trump Twitterpalooza). In his concession speech, Trump said, “I’m going to get a farm, retire, and then set my hair free,” Conan joked.
Bernie Sanders, Conan added, only lost to Hillary Clinton by .03%. “In other words, Bernie would have won if 6 stoners had managed to get off the couch.” Meanwhile, Jeb Bush came in 6th place in Iowa, and “blamed his poor performance on people watching the debates and actively following the campaign.”
Stephen Colbert, once an important voice in a presidential election cycle, said Monday night’s caucuses was a squeaker” for the Democrats, with Clinton winning by “three tenths of one percent – or, as it’s known in Iowa, Carl. “
In six precincts, the Dem winner was determined by a coin toss which apparently is allowed though not, as Colbert (and Bernie Sanders) noted, is not a great way to conduct a democracy. In all six cases, Clinton won the toss. Colbert, who has moved from Comedy Central to CBS for this election cycle, said the Broncos should draft Hillary for the Super Bowl on Sunday because of her coin-toss prowess and, “she may be younger than Peyton Manning,” he said. It one of three lame Super Bowl gags Colbert delivered in his show’s opening. Not coincidentally, the game is being broadcast on CBS.
In his best political gag, Colbert noted Trump finished behind Cruz in Iowa because Cruz’ repeated attacks on Trump for having “New York values.”
“Donald Trump defended the city he loved, so it’s nice to see the local papers have his back today,” Colbert quipped: