Taraji P. Henson snapping “Get off my train!” after handing out cookies, Ridley Scott humblebragging about The Martian’s box office take, Jamie Foxx announcing Straight Outta Compton won best score when it wasn’t nominated – as usual, this year’s Golden Globes Awards didn’t quite encompass the full range of performances by Hollywood A-listers. Here are some awards the Globes forgot to hand out last night:
Most Disturbing Over-Sharing in an Acceptance Speech
Accepting her Globe as best actress in a miniseries for American Horror Story: Hotel, Lady Gaga thanked her personal team: “The things I put my mind through and my body through while I’m working — it makes me like a child. I can’t do things alone. And you allow that.”
Best Dis of Western Civilization to Promote Your Own Personal Brand
“I have to say that I directed the movie that the great Ennio Morricone, at 87-years of age, did an original score for, and won the Golden Globe!” Quentin Tarantino raved, accepting the composer’s trophy for The Hateful Eight. Tarantino insisted that, until his movie, Morricone never had won an award for “for any individual movie” in the U.S. Except, the HFPA had twice previously done just that – which Voice-Over Guy even noted as Tarantino took the stage.
Best Audition to Replace Ricky Gervais as Golden Globe Awards Host
Jim Carrey wasn’t the only person who seemed to be auditioning to become the next Golden Globe host. Andy Samberg, most recent Emmy host, seemed to be taking a crack at it when he took the stage and launched into a “this is it, the final award of the night” gag as he presented one of the night’s early awards. But Carrey won the derby when he came out to run though the nominees for best motion picture comedy. Like Gervais, he advised nominees to put the awards in perspective – he just did it much better:
“I’m two-time Golden Globe winner Jim Carrey. When I got to sleep at night, I’m not just a guy going to sleep. I’m two-time Golden Globe winner Jim Carrey going to get some well-needed shut-eye. When I dream, I don’t just dream any old dream, no sir. I dream about being three-time Golden Globe-winning actor Jim Carrey, because then I would be enough. It would finally be true, and I could stop this terrible search, for what I know ultimately won’t fulfill me. But they are important, these awards. I don’t want you to think just because, if you blew up our solar system alone, you wouldn’t be able to find us, or any of human history, with the naked eye. But from our perspective this is huge! One more time: Here are nominees for best motion picture.”
Greatest Bravery in the Face of Get-the-Hell-Off-the-Stage Music
Henson, winning for best actress in a TV drama for Empire, let show producers know she would not be moved until she had worked her way through her acceptance speech laundry list. “Please wrap? Wait a minute! I waited 20 years for this! You gonna wait! Yeah, you gonna give me a little more time.”
Most Likely to Have an “Accident” Backstage
Henson, after snapping at someone helping her get up onstage, “Get off my train!”
Most Suspenseful Competition of the Evening
As Golden Globe Awards become less spontaneous, and acceptance speeches more tedious (a compelling argument for moving the ceremony back to cable), host Ricky Gervais provided some welcome drama when he introduced presenter Mel Gibson, noting that when he’d hosted a few years back, he’d joked about Gibson “getting drunk and saying a few unsavory things.”
“Now I find myself in the awkward position of having to introduce him again. I’m sure it’s embarrassing for both of us. And I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames – we know who Mel blames,” Gervais snarked. “I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out.” One Bill Cosby gag that did not land later, Gibson walks onstage.
“I love seeing Ricky once every three years because it reminds me to get a colonoscopy,” Gibson shot back, evening the score. Re-enter Gervais, to Gibson’s surprise, and viewers’ delight, to ask him what “sugar tits” means, according to tweets from the room (it was . If true, it was a reference to a line Gibson allegedly used on a female cop when she pulled him over a decade ago. Gervais’ question got bleeped by the NBC Decency Police, though viewers got to see the big reax in the room:https://twitter.com/goldenglobes/status/686387210388553730
And Gervais got the last word — literally; the final words of the trophy show broadcast were Gervais, signing off: “That’s it. We’re out of time. From myself and Mel Gibson, shalom.”
Most Surprising Intimation of Mortality
Morgan Freeman modestly told the ballroom as they applauded his entrance, “Not too much, now. Applause like that means usually they don’t expect to see you around much longer.” Less expected was when Jennifer Lawrence dropped “I want us to be buried next to each other, I really do” on her Joy director David O. Russell.
Best Acceptance Speech for a Lifetime Achievement Award That Wasn’t
Sylvester Stallone’s acceptance for best supporting actor for Creed sounded a lot like a career honor thank-you. “I am the sum total of everyone I’ve ever met and so lucky I absorbed some of it. Last time I was here it was 1977 … the view is so beautiful now.” After thanking “legendary producers Irwin Winkler and Bob Chartoff, who actually mortgaged his house to take a chance on a mumbling actor and gave me the shot of a lifetime,” he concluded: “Most of all, I want to thank my imaginary friend Rocky Balboa for being the best friend I ever had.” It was touching, though Twitter immediately slammed him for forgetting to mention the person responsible for his being onstage, Creed director Ryan Coogler. Twitter soon corrected itself with a report Stallone had thanked Coogler and star Michael B. Jordan, but only after cameras cut away.