This year’s Emmy Awards broadcast was a weird tedious highly entertaining practically unwatchable terrific mildly amusing boring repulsive celebration of the best of TV, hosted by yet another white guy who did a terrific job lacking passion or personality – we’re consolidating all of this morning’s headlines because we know you’re very busy, and you’re welcome.
But here are a few categories they forgot to hand out last night:
Best Minimization Of Emmys Promotional Value
Emmy producers played virtually no clips from nominated shows or performance last night, which made for a smoother running broadcast that actually came in on time and, as a side benefit, kept to a minimum the show’s tendency to be a big wet kiss to cable and digital networks that have wrenched the competition away from the broadcasters who air it. Nicely played, NBC.
Best Dramatization Of Vladimir Putin’s March Into Crimea
Jimmy Kimmel didn’t let the fact that the Emmycast wasn’t his to host stop him; he simply grabbed and made it his own, upstaging Seth Meyers when he took the stage to present an Emmy by launching into an extended opening-monologue-esque roast of the night’s biggest star Matthew McConaughey that brought Ricky Gervais into the act.
Best Comedy Concept Utilizing Host Seth Meyers’ Predilection for Explaining His Jokes
The questions from the audience segment, in which actors asked dimwit questions about the Emmys for Meyers to answer – all explanations, no punchlines.
Best Use Of Seth Meyers As Prop
Billy Eichner dragging Meyers around with him for a hilarious man on the street routine in which he buttonholed pedestrians in Manhattan – most of whom did not recognize Meyers -- to quiz them on pop culture: “True of False: Maggie Smith does not give a shit about these awards?”
Best Use Of Matthew McConaughey As Prop
Gail Mancuso making ‘eye contact” with McConaughey to avoid bursting into tears during her acceptance speech.
Best Button Pushing
The Internet got knicker-knotted when Sofia Vergara stepped on to a pedestal to sex-up the TV Academy president’s annual Emmy broadcast Time To See What’s In The Fridge speech. Twitter outrage ensued, and various online media outlets blasted it as "a troubling turn" in which Vergara was "treated like a literal object" in a "bizarre objectifying Emmy moment" Vergara has since issued a statement in which she suggests everyone lighten up. When was the last time anyone mentioned the TV Academy president’s Emmy speech?
Most Frightening Moment
...if you are CBS CEO Leslie Moonves, anyway, came when Stephen Colbert, your David Letterman replacement, used the Emmy broadcast to give viewers a taste of what else he's capable of, besides the faux newsman character he's promised to dump when he moves to your network, introducing his imaginary friend, Roscoe, as the crowd in the Nokia Theater tittered nervously.
Best Dumb Blonde Joke
NBC’s The Voice star Gwen Stefani, announcing the winner for best variety series, read from the card: Colborg Report.
Funniest Introduction Of Presenters
Amy Poehler introducing Harrelson and McConaughey with “Please welcome two gentlemen who seem like they’d be chatty in the sack.”
Parody Of Tired Awards Show Tradition That Was Less Entertaining Than A Tired Awards Show Tradition
Weird Al Yankovic’s dancing-singing salute to show theme songs.
Most Touching Introduction Of Real Life Into Emmycast
Appearance of a very frail Larry Kramer on stage for The Normal Heart win.
Most Whiplash-Inducing Segue That Could Have Been Avoided
Moving from The Normal Heart acceptance speech/plea by Ryan Murphy to smiling Seth Meyers introducing a Ricky Gervais sequence instead of planning that likely win to be followed by an ad break -- as was the In Memoriam/Robin Williams tribute.
Best Dramatization Of Forecast That Movie Stars Would Mop Up -- Just Not THOSE Movie Stars
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman, winning best actor and supporting actor Emmys, respectively, for their work on PBS’ Sherlock: His Last Vow. This category is also known as PBS Will Fight To The Death For HBO’s Right To Submit 'True Detective' As A Drama Series.