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EMMYS: The Categories They Forgot

This year’s Emmy Awards broadcast was a weird tedious highly entertaining practically unwatchable terrific mildly amusing boring repulsive celebration of the best of TV, hosted by yet another white guy who did a terrific job lacking passion or personality – we’re consolidating all of this morning’s headlines because we know you’re very busy,  and you’re welcome.

But here are a few categories they forgot to hand out last night:

lisademoraescolumn__140603223319Best Minimization Of Emmys Promotional Value

Emmy producers played virtually no clips from nominated shows or performance last night, which made for a smoother running broadcast that actually came in on time and, as a side benefit, kept to a minimum the show’s tendency to be a big wet kiss to cable and digital networks that have wrenched the competition away from the broadcasters who air it. Nicely played, NBC.

Best Dramatization Of Vladimir Putin’s March Into Crimea

Jimmy Kimmel didn’t let the fact that the Emmycast wasn’t his to host stop him; he simply grabbed and made it his own, upstaging Seth Meyers when he took the stage to present an Emmy by launching into an extended opening-monologue-esque roast of the night’s biggest star Matthew McConaughey that brought Ricky Gervais into the act.

Best Comedy Concept Utilizing Host Seth Meyers’ Predilection for Explaining His Jokes

The questions from the audience segment,  in which actors asked dimwit questions about the Emmys for Meyers to answer – all explanations, no punchlines.

Best Use Of Seth Meyers As Prop

Billy Eichner dragging Meyers around with him for a hilarious man on the street routine in which he buttonholed pedestrians in Manhattan – most of whom did not recognize Meyers — to quiz them on pop culture: “True of False: Maggie Smith does not give a shit about these awards?”

Best Use Of Matthew McConaughey As Prop

Gail Mancuso making ‘eye contact” with McConaughey to avoid bursting into tears during her acceptance speech.

Best Button Pushing

The Internet got knicker-knotted when Sofia Vergara stepped on to a pedestal to sex-up the TV Academy president’s annual Emmy broadcast Time To See What’s In The Fridge speech. Twitter outrage ensued, and various online media outlets blasted it as “a troubling turn” in which Vergara was “treated like a literal object” in a “bizarre objectifying Emmy moment” Vergara has since issued a statement in which she suggests everyone lighten up. When was the last time anyone mentioned the TV Academy president’s Emmy speech?

Most Frightening Moment

…if you are CBS CEO Leslie Moonves, anyway, came when Stephen Colbert, your David Letterman replacement, used the Emmy broadcast to give viewers a taste of what else he’s capable of, besides the faux newsman character he’s promised to dump when he moves to your network, introducing his imaginary friend, Roscoe, as the crowd in the Nokia Theater tittered nervously.

Best Dumb Blonde Joke

NBC’s The Voice star Gwen Stefani, announcing the winner for best variety series, read from the card: Colborg Report.

Funniest Introduction Of Presenters

Amy Poehler introducing Harrelson and McConaughey with “Please welcome two gentlemen who seem like they’d be chatty in the sack.”

Parody Of Tired Awards Show Tradition That Was Less Entertaining Than A Tired Awards Show Tradition

Weird Al Yankovic’s dancing-singing salute to show theme songs.

Most Touching Introduction Of Real Life Into Emmycast

Appearance of a very frail Larry Kramer on stage for The Normal Heart win.

Most Whiplash-Inducing Segue That Could Have Been Avoided

Moving from The Normal Heart acceptance speech/plea by Ryan Murphy to smiling Seth Meyers introducing a Ricky Gervais sequence instead of planning that likely win to be followed by an ad break — as was the In Memoriam/Robin Williams tribute.

Best Dramatization Of Forecast That Movie Stars Would Mop Up — Just Not THOSE Movie Stars

Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman, winning best actor and supporting actor Emmys, respectively, for their work on PBS’ Sherlock: His Last Vow. This category is also known as PBS Will Fight To The Death For HBO’s Right To Submit ‘True Detective’ As A Drama Series.

  1. It was boring and certainly lacked in creativity. Hey, if there’s a category next year for the show most likely to put viewers to sleep — this disaster will win in every category.

    Lousy camerawork, bad direction, horrible writing, an audio buzz throughout most of the show (the truck obviously had a ground issue), late cues from stage managers, lighting design that a collage student could have done better, and a boring set design. But hey, they’ll all win Emmys next year. The same, old, worn out camera ops, same deaf sound mixer, the blind lighting designer and LD, it’s time for a change of the guards!! Why so many camera ops when they only used 4 different cameras? The handheld guys were pathetic. Aside from this… was pretty basic.

  2. Whoa Yodel.. bitter party or one? I thought they were smooth and Seth did a good job! There was a lot of comedy in the show and the miniseries snoozefest section went by quick! I liked what they did with the winners of guest roles.. The stage managers did a great job! They should really have awards for them they deserve it, the show wouldn’t run without them.

  3. I am a Feminist, and I thought the Sofia Vergara bit with the extremely focused President of the Academy was hilarious. It was satire, a parody of the business. At least they didn’t put her on a revolving casting couch. I also understand why some people, especially women in the acting profession, would be offended.

  4. The only thing offensive about Sofia Vergara was that they wasted the chance to put her on bikini on that pedestal. A strip would have bene nice too. And that’s the only way they can get record breaking ratings.

    On a more seriuos note: Feminism is also about the ability of show off your body without being considered a bad person or without undermining your other abilities. We have been on the age where all women were stupid bitches, then came the era of women can all be either beatiful OR smart. Now let’s try to embrace the era where you can be smokin’ hot and talented too; and people can be sexy without “offend” few ugly jelous people.

    PS I didn’t appreciate the CEO speach, but just because was boring. One of the worst moments like Weird Al one. The best moment was the kiss. About that, no one said he was a sexually assoult and promotes rape, really? World is getting better, let’s stay optimist.

  5. I enjoyed this years Emmys. A lot actually. I was not bored. I smiled almost all the time. There were actually many memorable moments if you can see. Seth was not annoying as host and I laughed at his jokes.

    And I like winners. Happy they didn’t give it mo McCounaghey and Roberts just because they are big movie stars and because they showed up. They also did not give Jodie Foster win for directing one episode just because she is movie star. Good for Emmy voters.

    Also “hosted by yet another white guy’? Dear journalist – that’s racist.

  6. Seth Meyer was a terrible host. His face looks like it is frozen in botox and he’s not likeable and his jokes were mean. Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon would have been far better hosts.

  7. Interesting. Kimmel does a scripted, production approved bit and it’s “upstaging” Seth but no mention of Fallon interrupting Colbert’s acceptance speech (which was not worked out ahead of time)?

  8. I liked it when the word “bullshit” made it on air when Colbert was doing his acceptance speech with Jimmy Fallon. Fallon says “I won’t say that bullshit” and they bleeped out the wrong word!

  9. At least Robin Williams died just in time and too long ago to make for an emotional speech, I mean with true emotion. The “Colborg Report” – that’s when a speaker is a cyborg trying to become conferencier and news anchor. However, soon the machines from Big Blue will take all that over: screen writing, acting, three-dimensional virtual landscapes and it will even calculate its own Emmy-rating.

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