Golden Globes Ceremony: The Good, The Bad, And The Creepy

LisaColumn__131015210634-275x198Tina Fey and Amy Poehler once again made it look easy to rain down snark on the entertainment industry and get them to like it. “Welcome to the annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels The Butler’s Golden Globe Awards,” Fey opened — a nod to Warner Bros mockable battle with The Weinstein Company over the right to name a movie The Butler, in which WB insisted it had the right to the title dating back to its 1916 silent comedy short of same name.

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Tina Fey & Amy Poehler’s Golden Globes Monologue: Video

Hosts Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerLike Ricky Gervais, the guy they replaced, Fey and Poehler seemed to suffer from Second-Year Slump, though sartorially things went much better his year for the First Women of Comedy. They’ll “keep doing it until everybody hates it,” they promised — they’ve already been signed for next year.

Related: Golden Globes TV: Rookie ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’ Surprises With Two Wins, Departed ‘Breaking Bad’ Gets Its Due

Hollywood males got a special skewering this year:

“Matt Damon is here for being in Behind The Candelabra. Any other night in any other room you’d be a big deal. Tonight you’re basically a garbage person.”

Best film nominee Gravity is about “how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die rather than spend another minute with a woman his own age,” Fey said moments later.

“And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio,” Fey snarked as the Wolf Of Wall Street star came out to present an award.

Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year. He lost 40 pounds for his role in Dallas Buyers Club – or what actresses call Being In A Movie.”

But the couple lost a lot of cred when Poehler was named best actress in a comedy series and got all gushy and tongue-tied and thanked the HFPA.

Despite their best efforts, the show was a bit sketchy, production-wise. “I’m not going to lie to you right now — they put the wrong stuff up there on the teleprompter,” Hill said when he and Margot Robbie took the stage to present an award but had nothing to say. Finally, a Disembodied Arm handed them a sheet of paper with their script. And of course, because all the TV nominees are banished to the back of the hall, the show as usual got dragged down during the dispensing of TV wins — particularly women who had to navigate their way across the football field-sized hall in high heels and trains. On the bright side, viewers had time to walk their dogs while waiting for Jacqueline Bisset to navigate her way to the stage when she won the night’s second category — best supporting actress in a mini or TV movie.

Related: Golden Globes Winners: The Complete List

Speaking of Bisset, here are the awards that the Globes forgot to hand out tonight:

Acceptance Speech That Would Be Best Understood By a Crowd in a Scottish Pub at Closing Time:

bissetBisset’s speech, which, in rough numbers, went like this: “I think it was 47 years ago that Hollywood Foreign Press gave me a nomination promising “newcomer”! … I’m absolutely shaking, I can’t believe this … you’ve nominated me about 5 times. Anyway… OK. Scottish background to the front! I always wanted to do something for the BBC. … Starz, thank you for putting this on. Thank you to my British agent, Steve Kinnis, and Harry Abrams and I want to thank the people who have given me joy, and there have been many. I say, like my mother, what did she say? She used to say, ‘Go to hell, and don’t come back.’ … However, my mother was a [unintelligible]. I believe if you want to look good, forgiveness is the best beauty treatment. Give it to yourself and to others. I love my friends, I love my family and you’re so kind!”

– Best Start, Worst Finish:

Diane Keaton’s heartfelt remarks on behalf of Cecil B. DeMille Award winner Woody Allen, ending with an unfortunate decision to sing the Girl Scout tune:

Make new friends, and keep the old/One is silver and the other’s gold/A circle is round, it has no end/That’s how long I will be your friend.

– Creepiest Hollywood-centric Acceptance Speech:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine co-creator Dan Goor: “I almost went to med school. This is way better than saving a human life!”

– Best Hollywood-centric Presenter  Speech:

Robert Downey Jr GlobesRobert Downey Jr, presenting award for best actress in a motion picture comedy or musical, who said: “No matter whose name is called when I open this envelope, tonight I’m leaving here a winner. If Amy takes it and I get a racy photo of us backstage, Gucci lets me keep the tux. If it’s [Julia Louis-Dreyfus], I chat her up and ride her coattails right into Tina’s afterparty. Should it be Ms. Delpy, it reaffirms the artistic integrity of sequels. If it goes Greta Gerwig’s way, I shall finally stop associating her surname with a film about an angry inch. And yet if it’s Meryl [Streep]., I could supplement my income by leasing her a shipping container to put it in with the 200,000 other awards she’s received. Let’s see how this plays out for me. Here are the nominees…”

– Best Continuation of Tradition of  Foreign Actors Giving Best Acceptance Speeches:

Cate Blanchett, topping it off by thanking someone for tonight “plying me with vodka in the way that Judy Garland was probably plied with barbituates.”

– Best HFPA Gag:

Fey and Poehler: “We want to thank your hosts tonight, the Hollywood Foreign Press, the association of esteemed international journalists responsible for this beautiful event. Specifically, we would like to thank Jurgen Fondefinger from Der Funft Magazine, Lupe Para Los Lupes from Besos y, Sven Kendervomit from Purple Magazine, Zumit Fern editor of Kerplunk, Nicoise Yakimora Bichon Frisee Yoshimata from Le Oeuf, Lukas V. I. Warshowsky from the free magazine they give out on Polish buses, Powee; and of course Jeremy Watson-Stewart from Das Teets. Thank you all for your integrity.”

– Worst HFPA Gag:

“Welcome to the moment you’ve all been waiting for: The President’s speech – or, as it is known for those watching at home: bathroom break.” — HFPA President Theo Kingma

– Worst Ad:

It’s a tie: Sochi Olympics pop-up ads that appeared during the trophy show and the Chrysler ad that used the Globe statuette and the cringe-inducing tagline: “Not everyone can have this award. Everyone can have this award-winning car in their driveway.”

Least Effort to Fake Being Interest While Winner in Your Category Speaks:

Helen Mirren and Jessica Lange during Elisabeth Moss’s acceptance speech.

Related: GALLERY: 71st Golden Globes Highlights

  1. My God, how does anyone sit through this garbage? I haven’t watched an “awards show” in years & this is why…

  2. The Diane Keaton L’Oreal commercial coming on immediately after “Make New Friends….” made the whole thing even more creepy and craven.

  3. The Bad = Squeezing out 2 good bits out of that yawner of a monologue. Expected more from the writers to supply Tina & Amy more potent lines to deliver. Shame on Tina & Amy for settling for subpar material.

  4. Figure there were several Fey/Poehler bits that were cut for time due to overlong acceptance speeches that really didn’t add anything.

  5. The best part of the show was the new ability to come to this website during them and not have to read the vile, immature, hateful commentary of ol’ you know who.

    1. Hey Lethargic,

      I did not miss the bitter snarking either. I am a big fan of sarcasm and humor, but I have to agree…the absence of that particular perspective from Deadline in no way lessens their coverage. In fact, it may indeed enhance it.

  6. I don’t know what’s more worthless – the Globes or the Oscars.
    They talk about ‘merit’ and award through bias, ignorance & politics.
    Like was pointed out in Wolf of Wall Street: these awards are all about money – they create nothing really. To use the ol’ quote: “It’s chewing gum for the eyes.”

  7. You do realize Dan Goor was making a joke, right? He wasn’t being “creepy” and “Hollywood-centric”. He was parodying that. Sheesh.

  8. What was up with bissett. Was she on something. Why does diane keaton always dress like a man

    1. After all the pearl clutching over Bisset, I watched a clip and she was nowhere near as bizarre as everyone claimed. The worst was that she had to walk approximately seven miles to the stage which was no fault of hers.

      Keaton dresses like that because she’s ashamed of her body for whatever reason and so chooses to dress in layer after layer which is odd considering, when she has dressed in less, she shows she’s got a great body.

      In regard to the Golden Globes as a whole, I used to watch them and the Oscars every year growing up but I’ve since learned that, if I want to watch a lot of backslapping and circle jerking, I’m better off just watching porn.

      There are too many awards shows. They cannibalize each other. The fawning and gushing (especially whenever Clooney is around and everyone grovels at his feet over his so-called looks which never that great to start with and certainly aren’t now that the booze and sun have made their claim) is outright vomit-inducing.

      Hence I stick to articles like this to find out if anyone I like won.

      1. You didn’t think Bisset’s speech was all that bizarre? Seriously? Maybe not watching it in context had something to do with that, but, um… no, it was completely strange. Signed, The Rest of the Universe

        1. You have a hatred for older women who don’t fit your concept of what an old woman should be like and that’s your problem that needs to be addressed by an analyst. Not mine.

          PS, you don’t speak for the rest of the universe so drop the bullying routine.

  9. Fey and Poehler……Two Female answers to Don Rickles. Amazing how low their humor can go and get applauded for their tasteless rantings called “Stand Up”. They use Names for their pay all the way to the bank, as kathy Griffin claims she does and isn’t she just the best mouth around to be compared to. And Fey got the Mark Twain Award?? That man must have done a cartwheel in his grave!
    So who gets interviewed on the Red Carpet and asked about Fey and Poehler? Carol Burnett and her reply was one of discomfort and class, she knows……………. May as well leave them be and compliment them. After all, audiences today enjoy seeing others belittled. Yea, yea and that just isnt soooooooo?? Bet Me!!!!

  10. Too many SNL celebrities looked like some kind of virus. Seth Meyers? What a total lack of talent.

  11. These award shows never dissappoint. They are long, boring and definitely no diversity. I will be glad when they fade away. Every woman trying to be skinnier then the other or out dress the other. Same people winning every year. Thank goodness there are so many other channels that I don’t have to watch these award shows.

  12. “But the couple lost a lot of cred when Poehler was named best actress in a comedy series and got all gushy and tongue-tied and thanked the HFPA.” What was she supposed to do? Skewer them in her acceptance speech? Then you would have called her ungracious.

  13. I’d watch Tina Fey and Amy Poehler throw out zingers all night long, but not if I have to sit through the rest of that crap.

  14. How did Tina and Amy “lose cred” because Amy won?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It was her first win after 13 nominations at these “big” award shows and BEYOND overdo. She had every right to be “grateful and thankful” to whomever she wanted to be!

  15. Lisa, how did they lose “cred” because Amy Poehler won the Golden Globe? What was she supposed to do, crack a joke? She was happy she finally won an award for Parks and Recreation, which a lot of critics and pundits believe she deserved. I believe it was deserved and years overdue. And “cred”, like street cred? Really?

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