Golden Globes 2013 Winners Nikki FinkeMy live-snark of the 70th Annual Golden Globes started at 5 PM tonight based on the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s 2013 nominations. Come for the cynicism. Stay for the subversion. Add your comment. Warning: Not for the easily offended or ridiculously naive.

The 2013 Golden Globes take place inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel ballroom at a star-shtupped dinner broadcast live by NBC and emceed for the first time by a female duo: comediennes Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They replace enfant terrible Ricky Gervais who couldn’t resist openly loathing everyone including the Hollywood Foreign Press Association putting on the show. (“The Golden Globes are just like the Oscars — but without all that esteem.”) Perhaps Christian Bale described the HFPA best when he took the stage in 2011 and called the HFPA ”those oddball characters”. The Golden Globes are a completely meaningless award show bestowed by a scandal-riddled organization on a network desperate for ratings. I just learned that Tina and Amy have prepared a funny bit about the HFPA. Hopefully, they won’t be nice. Problem is, they’re both nominated tonight. I say: bring it on, girls, even if Hollywood and the HFPA will hate you later.

Deadline is, only for informational purposes, covering the 2013 Golden Globes. I refuse to treat them with any seriousness. And if you don’t want that, then for crissakes stop reading me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: the Golden Globes have zero integrity. Studios and networks lavishly lobby the HFPA and almost always score nominations. Actors win in direct correlation to their glamour quotient. By splitting dramas and comedies/musicals, and including movie and television categories on the same night, more star wattage gooses NBC’s Nielsens. And even though the entire entertainment industry ridicules the awards, it props them up because they’re a useful marketing tool for the studios and networks. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association gave multiple nominations to Oscar frontrunners like Argo, Life Of Pi, Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty, Les Miserables and Silver Linings Playbook as well as major impetus to the late-breaking hopes of Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained. The Weinstein Company led with 15 nominations because Harvey really knows how to schmooze these moochers.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association isn’t as advertised. It’s actually a small motley group of 85 mostly freelancers who won’t grant membership to the real foreign journalists at the prestige media outlets across the world. Oscar-winning documentary director Vikram Jayanti, in his 2004 film The Golden Globes: Hollywood’s Dirty Little Secret called the group a bunch of “freeloaders” who know more about hors d’oeuvres than auteurs and select winners based on “who kisses butt best”. The HFPA was even accused in a lawsuit filed by its former publicist of accepting “payola” — like taking lavish gifts from studios in exchange for nominations — and other questionable practices. The companies who put on the Golden Globes: NBC and Dick Clark Productions, now owned by Guggenheim Partners, could clean up the HFPA but choose not to. The HFPA surely won’t because it pockets an estimated $30 million in broadcast fees for the awards show. The only reason I can think of to tune in to the Golden Globes is for the unexpected. Jack Nicholson has mooned the audience, Jim Carrey has talked out of his butt, Christine Lahti was locked in the bathroom, and other unscripted weirdness occurs at this intimate dinner. If not, then why bother?

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Now for my nastiness:

Tina Fey in that dress looks like she’s got the starring role in Broadway’s Wicked. Amy Poehler on her dress looks like she’s auditioning for cable’s Sister Wives. “We have no intent of being edgy or offensive tonight. Because when you run afoul of the HFPA, they make you host the show two more times,” Amy begins.

Ugh, enough with the Lena Dunham praising. She’s the most hated femme in Hollywood. (Are we positive she doesn’t have a Y chromosome?)

Loved Amy’s dig at the Titanic and Avatar director who’s probably the most hated homme in Hollywood: “When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent 3 years married to James Cameron.” Tina’s on the mark when calling Quentin Tarantino the stuff “of my sexual nightmares”. Great line from Amy announcing that Meryl Streep is a no-show: “She has the flu. And I hear she’s amazing in it.”

Bradley Cooper and Kate Hudson presenting. Someone give Kate a cookie: I know the mags said she was fat 3 years ago but, jeez, she’s now wasting away to nothing. As for Bradley Cooper, he and Ryan Seacrest really need to redo their closets.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
CHRISTOPH WALTZ, DJANGO UNCHAINED

I have no idea what Christoph Waltz was trying to say. Instead I was shocked that the HFPA didn’t give the award to Leonardo DiCaprio, especially since he was snubbed by this year’s Oscars. Isn’t the Golden Globes show supposed to amp up star wattage for the sake of ratings? NBC must be pissed.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A
MAGGIE SMITH, DOWNTON ABBEY: SEASON 2

Not there. NBC brass is officially plotzing over the show’s lack of film royalty on stage.

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
GAME CHANGE, HBO

Playtone and Everyman Pictures in association with HBO Films

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
JULIANNE MOORE, GAME CHANGE

Well, half the country’s TVs just switched off since this was a liberal project humiliating Sarah Palin. (I reserve judgment whether or not she deserved that…) Not that Red States were watching anyway since they hate everything to do with Hollywood. Hard to blame them, given the noxious self-adoration of evenings like this.

There’s so much noise from all the players standing in back drinking and hugging that viewers can barely hear the presenters. Lousy production values.

Oh fun. Tina rips the HFPA president, comparing her election to The Hunger Games. Trust me when I say that this woman in that job is beyond anonymous. Dr. Aida Takla O’Reilly even jokes about it tonight onstage: “I know that Jeffrey Katzenberg will never forget my name because he never knew it in the first place.” At least the HFPA members are developing a sense of humor about how hapless and hopeless they are. But it was icky when the HFPA geezer said, “Allow me to say three words to Bradley Cooper: call me maybe?”

That’s the best agent joke the writers can come up with? Such tired tripe? When exactly did Hollywood lose all its comedy writers to NYC’s The Daily Show?

Golden Globes: Film Scorecard, TV Scorecard, Fashion: Who Wore What?
Steven Spielberg Orchestrated Bill Clinton’s Surprise Appearance
TV: ‘Girls’, ‘Homeland’ And ‘Game Change’ Lead Pay Cable’s Dominance

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
DAMIAN LEWIS, HOMELAND

WME agent Brian Swardstrom gets the first – and a hilariously irrelevant – tenpercentery shout-out from Damian Lewis for being “the best-dressed man” in Hollywood.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
HOMELAND, SHOWTIME
SHOWTIME, Teakwood Lane Productions, Cherry Pie Productions, Keshet, Fox 21

Best television in 2012 bar none. This season was even better than the first. But why is this dickwad on stage giving away even one scene of one episode right now? Some of us are still watching!

Usually these shows by Dick Clark Productions are professionally produced. Tonight, it’s amateur hour. There was a countdown competing with The Today Show hosts at the start. Just a second ago, the teleprompter seized up on presenters Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd. Then again, DCP’s new owner Guggenheim Partners is in the business of getting everything wrong. (Example: it owns The Hollywood Reporter. Snap!)

Even as tonight’s show drags on, the HFPA’s lawsuit against Dick Clark Productions over the rights to the Golden Globes show continues on appeal. This makes the second year in a row that the two organizations have had to work together under a legal cloud. Welcome to Hollywood which gives new meaning to the term ‘frenemies’, folks.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE
MYCHAEL DANNA, LIFE OF PI

Who knows if this Fox film will win any more awards tonight. But isn’t it incredible that the co-chief of Twentieth Century Fox films, Tom Rothman, gets fired even though his studio snagged the most Oscar nominations of any studio last week? So what if he’s an insufferably arrogant prick who lobbied for a job at Universal on company time? So what if he hasn’t had much box office in recent years? So what if Jim Cameron can’t stand him? So what if Fox 2000 and Fox Searchlight were responsible for most of those nominations? I say 31 Academy Award nods ain’t chicken liver. He’ll get hired again.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
“SKYFALL”, SKYFALL
Music by: Adele, Paul Epworth Lyrics by: Adele, Paul Epworth

Even the HFPA couldn’t screw up this lock. “We’ve been pissing ourselves laughing,” Adele said. What a great broad whose natural curves may just redefine beauty in the stick-thin celebrity business.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
KEVIN COSTNER, HATFIELDS & MCCOYS

It’s never good for a career when people on Twitter remark, “Kevin Costner’s still alive?”

Ex-President Bill Clinton comes onstage to introduce Lincoln. [Steven Spielberg Orchestrated Bill Clinton's Surprise Golden Globes Appearance] Oh, Hollywood, you really are determined to piss off 1/2 the country, aren’t you? You couldn’t find a Republican since Lincoln wasn’t even a Democrat? But it’s also DreamWorks overreaching for a Best Picture Oscar. We know you’re incredibly connected, Steven, but you don’t have to rub it in everybody’s face 24/7. (Remember when he screened the pic for the U.S. Senate?) If Lincoln loses the Academy Award, this may be the reason.

Loved Amy’s line: “What a special guest. That was Hillary Clinton’s husband.”

Are presenters Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig auditioning live to host next year’s Globes? Word to the wise: they are not funny. Disagree with me all you want. They’re two nails on a blackboard.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
JENNIFER LAWRENCE, SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK

This young gal already knows how Hollywood really works. “Harvey, thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.” But she shouldn’t have taken Saint Streep’s name in vain. (“I beat Meryl…”) Commenter believes Jennifer was quoting the lines from The First Wives Club. Jeez, even I’m not old enough to remember that moldy oldie comedy from 1996.

Hey Hollywood, have you finally realized that Jonah Hill isn’t a comic? He can’t even improvise.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
ANNE HATHAWAY, LES MISERABLES

I’m so sick of Anne Hathaway’s ‘Ooh-I’m-so-insecure’ shtick. But in reality, when she co-hosted the Academy Awards with James Franco in 2011 and both bombed badly, she counted every single line to make sure she had an equal number to his. Can you blame James for mentally and physically checking out of the broadcast halfway through given her asshole-ian behavior?

This is about the point in every awards show when I lose the will to live.

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
QUENTIN TARANTINO, DJANGO UNCHAINED

QT wasn’t much of an auteur when he went all inarticulate about his Best Screenplay win: “Wow, I wasn’t expecting this. This is a surprise. Damn.” I’d love to know how much of Harvey Weinstein’s co-financier Ron Burkle money was spent on lavishly lobbying the HFPA freeloaders this time around?

I’m still gobsmacked that CBS Films’ pickup of little Salmon Fishing In The Yemen earned any Globes attention at all. Especially since CBS boss Les Moonves tried to steal the DCP show from NBC.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
DON CHEADLE, HOUSE OF LIES

Note to Les: Showtime’s David Nevins deserves a raise almost as big as the ones you get yourself. Usually HBO dominates these kudofests. But I haven’t screened an original series on HBO since Entourage went off the air. (Do not talk to me about the unwatchable Girls, True Blood, Game Of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire where the sweaty cast is in desperate need of a bath.)

Sly and Arnold: remember when these two used to hate each other? Now it looks like they’re both seeing the same plastic surgeon for frequent facelift discounts. Scary mugs, dudes.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
AMOUR (AUSTRIA)

Les Films Du Losange, X Filme Creative Pool, Wega Film; Sony Pictures Classics

This was a lock.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
CLAIRE DANES, HOMELAND

Another lock by TV’s younger version of Meryl Streep. Egads, an actress who actually thanked the writers. Doesn’t Claire Danes know she’s not even supposed to acknowledge the WGA per SAG-AFTRA current leadership who all have their heads up their asses?

Too bad Sacha Baron Cohen isn’t even mildly humorous anymore. Gerard Depardieu losing 40 pounds during a visit to the toilet? Russell Crowe’s singing lessons (“That was money well spent.”) Implicating Helena Bonham Carter gave out blow jobs? Last year on the Red Carpet he spilled stuff all over Ryan Seacrest and almost made the Viscount Of Vapidity cry. Now that’s comedy!

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
BRAVE
Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios; Walt Disney Pictures

So boring this sucking-up to Bob Iger by Disney filmmakers who are terrified they’ll have to work for Jeffrey K’s DreamWorks Animation someday. When they should be sucking up to Marvel’s tiny terror Ike Perlmutter who’s running Bob around in circles and driving him crazy.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
LENA DUNHAM, GIRLS

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? This no-talent who can’t even improvise one funny line takes down this coveted category? And Tina Fey and Amy Pohler get blanked? One more reason for Hollywood to hate Lena Dunham. You think it’s no coincidence that Girls‘ second season debut is tonight on HBO? Ditto for House Of Lies tonight on Showtime?

Maybe 5 viewers understand what Robert Downey Jr, Mel Gibson, and Jodie Foster are trying to joke about right now — since only 3 people ever saw The Beaver – as she receives the Cecil B. Demille Award for life achievement in cinema. David Geffen’s megayacht also took center stage. Gee, could this Golden Globes possibly get more insider and therefore boring?

At least Jodie celebrates turning 50 quipping that a walker doesn’t go with cleavage.

The shocker that’s not much of a shock: Foster finally comes out of the closet publicly — sort of — after all these years. (This is what Jodie’s retired publicist Pat Kingsley fought forever.)

She talks about valuing privacy after a 47-year Hollywood film career starting when she was 3 years old. Her best lines of the night (which she delivered with obvious nervousness)? “I’m just going to put it out there. Loud and proud. I am single. Yes I am… [Expecting] what would be a big coming out speech tonight? I already did my coming out a thousand years ago back in the Stone Age. Those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends and family and co-workers… But now apparently I’m told that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance, and a primetime reality show.”

That rambling Foster speech makes me now understand her devotion to Mel Gibson.

Meanwhile, the sound cut out during Foster’s speech. It did so both on TV and on the feed at the Hilton. Conspiracy theorists were suspecting Jodie or Mel were being censored. My guess is this is yet more incompetence tonight by Dick Clark Productions.

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
BEN AFFLECK, ARGO

He was snubbed by the directors’ branch of the Academy Awards and this Golden Globe is meaningless. But it’s still justice of a sort for Ben Affleck who deserves accolades for putting his head down and choosing creative work over celebrity crap. Get over it already when actors turn into superb helmers.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
GIRLS, HBO
Apatow Productions and I am Jenni Konner Productions in association with HBO Entertainment

I can’t wait to hear what Howard Stern is going to say about this on Monday morning. He eviscerated Lena Dunham on his show last week and there’ll be a new verb to describe how he’ll rip her Monday. That said, the lesson learned here is for everyone in Hollywood to suck up to Judd Apatow. The fact he can’t get eyeballs to see the movies he directs anymore doesn’t matter. He’s the comedy mogul.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
HUGH JACKMAN, LES MISERABLES

So here’s how it works: Harvey obviously ran out of payoff money and then Universal stepped up its cash payments to the HFPA. Then again Hugh Jackman is a much bigger celebrity overseas than Bradley Cooper who can’t even open a movie domestically. That’s why Jackman won the Globe.

Is there even one NBC primetime show promo-ed tonight you wanna watch? Not me.

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
LES MISERABLES
Universal Pictures, A Working Title Films/Cameron Mackintosh Productions; Universal Pictures

TOLDJA! Next time, Harvey will beg Burkle for even more moolah to schmooze the HFPA. That said, did the members actually hear Russell Crowe sing? His warbling sounded like a cat being strangled.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
JESSICA CHASTAIN, ZERO DARK THIRTY

A lock. How fitting that she reminded everybody how hard it is to make it as an actress in Hollywood. Jessica Chastain may be one of the few articulate and intelligent thesps around. Not to worry: the town pretty soon will beat those annoying traits out of her. Filmmakers like their actresses mute and dumb.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, LINCOLN

Dick Clark Productions will never work in this town again. Its peons played music over Daniel Day-Lewis’ praise of Steven Spielberg. In Hollywood this is a major shonda deserving of exile from Craig’s. Or else it means that Steven just isn’t as powerful as he once was to hold a spotlight.

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
ARGO

Warner Bros. Pictures, GK Films, Smokehouse Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures

This is the only real upset of the evening – and the Golden Globes saves it for the show’s last few minutes when everybody is being rushed offstage. Did you hear the Hilton Ballroom audibly gasp? I’ll have to replay my DVR to see if the cameras caught Spielberg’s look of astonishment or anger. Lincoln was supposed to be a lock. Now Affleck’s Argo will get another look from Oscar voters as a possible Best Picture spoiler. I love it when a plan doesn’t come together. My advice to Ben? Shave off that dumbass beard and beg AMPAS members to choose Argo. Even though Lincoln may wind up winning anyway. Can Zero Dark Thirty steal enough votes to grab the Oscar? My fingers ache. Bye.