Comedy Central went live tonight at 8 PM with their Election Night coverage. But within minutes Obama won re-election and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert barely had time to deliver a punch line. The Daily Show’s Democalypse 2012 started off with a plethora of journalistic cameos including ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, CBS’ Bob Schieffer, NBC’s Tom Brokaw a hologram of Edward R. Murrow and “Anderson Cooper and his golden saxophone.” Patrick Stewart did the intro voice-over. Stewart opened the show with a list of states and Senate races that have already been called. Mitt Romney, Stewart announced, has won “most of the Confederacy”. NBC called Obama’s victory at 8:12 PM but the Daily Show still continued with segments for several minutes. One segment threw Presidential politics forward to 2016 with a fake pundit panel projecting that Hilary Clinton had a 68% chance of victory over Jeb Bush. At 8:21 PM PT, Stewart finally said, “the Presidency is projected to stay in control of the Democratic Party. We are projecting Barack Obama is the President of the United States.” The studio audience went crazy. “House of Representatives, Republican. Senate, Democrats. Presidency, Barack Obama. Two years, $3 billion dollars and we are clearly in the same fucking place we were when it started,” Stewart quickly added. The swearing was blanked out by Comedy Central. In 2008, Stewart and Colbert announced Obama’s win during that year’s live Presidential race show.
Minutes later Stephen Colbert demanded that Stewart give him “no spoilers” about the election as Comedy Central’s coverage shifted over to The Colbert Report at 8:30 PM. “Our top story tonight. It is my mother’s birthday and the Colbert Report can now project that Lorna Colbert is 92 years old,” said the fake conservative news host. About four minutes into the show, after being handed a napkin wet with “liberal tears,” Colbert announced the outcome of the election. ‘Ladies and gentleman, the Colbert Report is ready to project that CNN has projected that Animal Planet has predicted that the winner of the 2012 Presidential election is Barack Obama,” he said. As they had on The Daily Show the studio crowd applauded strongly but staying in character, Colbert himself did not looked pleased. “I’m stunned I really thought Mitt would win,” said the host. “”Well, fine America, it’s your funeral,” he added in mock outrage. “Let’s face it, America’s a quick drunk and an easy lay,” said Colbert about Obama’s win. “Apparently all you have to do is show up in a nice suit, give her free healthcare, save the auto industry and kill bin Laden and that old girl will put out …but will America respect herself in the morning? You could have gone with that nice Romney boy.” The Colbert Report ended up with a brief interview with The Daily Beast’s Andrew Sullivan. “I watched Fox today for sheer schadenfreude,” Sullivan said.