LATEST… Comedy Central’s roast of Charlie Sheen started fashionably late on Stage 27 at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City. Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane served as roastmaster and ringleader for William Shatner, Jon Lovitz, Anthony Jeselnik, Steve-O, Jeffrey Ross, Amy Schumer, Mike Tyson, Patrice O’Neal, and — of all people — Private Practice star Kate Walsh and. There was also a special appearance by former Guns ‘N Roses lead guitarist Slash, who is Sheen’s longtime buddy. Deadline contributor Ray Richmond was there blogging live to capture every Industry joke. Fortunately there were some, or we’d be screwed:
Roastmaster Seth MacFarlane comes out and announces, “Comedy Central was too cheap to hire a warmup guy. So you got me.” He introduces roasters with the line, “Let’s get ready to mumble.” Comedian Jeffrey Ross is dressed like Muammar Gaddafi in a military uniform.
MacFarlane, referring to the roast’s Sept. 19 air date, the same night as the Two and a Half Men season premiere: “Tonight on Two and a Half Men they’re having Charlie’s funeral. But no big deal. Just wait a few months and you’ll see the real thing.”
MacFarlane begins reading from Sheen’s alleged obit and finally says, “Oh the hell with it. Actually, it will be exactly the same as Amy Winehouse’s bio. All you have you to do is change three things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the fact he’s a talent who will be missed.”
MacFarlane introduces all of the roasters with targeted (and tasteless) insults.
MacFarlane: “Someone’s gonna need to fill Charlie in on all of the things he’s gonna miss, like his 50s.”
MacFarlane: “Charlie learned you can trash hotel rooms and do prostitutes. But don’t you dare call a Jewish guy by his real name.” That’s a reference to Sheen ranting against the folks who wanted to fire him and referring to Two and a Half Men co-creator Chuck Lorre by his Jewish name — Chaim Levine. Immediately, Charlie was rightfully or wrongfully tagged as having made an anti-Semitic remark.
Jon Lovitz: “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.” (Or did he mean enough to kill 2 1/2 men?)
Lovitz: “According to the Torah, Charlie’s a Jew. Not because his mother’s Jewish. But because CBS paid him $50 million and he still sued the network.”
Charlie’s sitting there taking it all, laughing, but also burying his hands in his face. Sheen looks healthy and relaxed in a simple coat and tie. Smiling easily.
MacFarlane: “How does a guy get fired from Two and a Half Men? He didn’t suck badly enough?”
MacFarlane introduces Kate Walsh: “Let me just say it’s a thrill having the hottest actress of 2002 here with us tonight.”
Walsh to MacFarlane: Seth, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie had locked in the closet is that Charlie came out.”
Walsh: “I’d heard that William Shatner had passed on, but I knew it wasn’t true because Shatner has never passed on anything.”
Jeff Ross: “This roast is so full of nobodies, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.”
Ross: “Of course they fired you, Charlie. Every time the writers tried to put new lines in the script, you’d try to snort them.”
Ross: “Charlie, no one can make fun of your iconic films. Platoon. Wall Street. Platoon. Wall Street.”
Anthony Jeselnik: “Charlie, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is that God hates Michael J. Fox.”
Jeselnik: “Charlie, the crazy thing is that you thought you could keep your job after calling your boss a ‘Jew kike’. If people could keep their jobs after calling their boss a ‘Jew kike’, then everybody would do it.”
Steve-O: “Charlie and I have a lot in common. We both love porn, we’ve each done a ton of drugs, and neither of us are actors.”
Amy Schumer: “Two and a Half Men is so bad that it stars Jon Cryer.”
William Shatner: “Charlie, you’re how old? 46? Then how come we look like we went to high school together?”
MacFarlane to Shatner: “You’re how old, Bill? 80? Well, the next time you star in a series, it’ll be called Shit My Dad Is Sitting In.”
Shatner: “Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Didn’t they tell you actresses will sleep with you for free?”
Charlie Sheen’s rebuttal: “Until tonight, I never knew how fucked up I was. Wow fucking wow. What a night. Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors, 3 ex-wives, 2 paramedics, and 9 dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light. All of whom told me not to do this roast.”