Judd Apatow is very nervous about hosting the Producers Guild Of America awards tonight and has been honing his stuff to make sure it’s funny. “I am very grateful to the people at the PGA for not broadcasting this ceremony,” he just told me by email. “I can only hope their security will be able to make sure all recordings are destroyed.” Apatow has been delivering progress reports via Twitter. “I need to sleep because I am hosting the Producer’s Guild Awards Saturday. Rudin, Cameron, Hanks, Penn. Comedy crowd? Nightmares tonight for sure,” he tweeted last night. Apatow also issued an appeal to his Twitter followers and fans.  “If anyone has any jokes that they think are better than Ricky Gervais’, post here and I will read the winners and say your name at PGA awards,” he tweeted. “Lots of #pgajokes coming in. Some excellent. Many insane. Most hateful of celebrities. Hard to be funny and not vicious. Steve Martin is king.” (Some of those sending in jokes thought PGA stood for the professional golfers association. Sheesh.) Here some of the good, the bad, and the ugly ones:

DamonLindelof – Hey Folks! Just flew in from a screening of Black Swan. And, boy, are my arms ready to masturbate, then stab, Mila Kunis.

MikeRylanderA producer and an actor walk into a bar. The actor gets recognized by hot chicks. The producer pays the tab.

Michelle T
4 years
Thanks for giving away a major plot point of Black Swan, Damon. Jerk!
JVince
4 years
That one was hilarious!
The Tweeper
4 years
In the style of Natalie Portman: Grooooaaaaannnnnnn... No Zing for you!!

mattthephatI saw The Tourist, and the special effects were amazing. Angelina Jolie has never looked so lifelike and human.

mattthephat – This is a time for healing, to come together. Like Charlie Sheen and the 3 hookers last night in Vegas.

cartblanche – And, for all of humanity, Leonardo DiCaprio went ahead and planted Mila Kunis in Natalie Portman’s sex dream.

MrDoodyHead – You’re not a real producer until you’ve figured out a way to have your assistant fart for you.

aboutapenis – Don’t confuse Green Hornet with Green Lantern. Lantern‘s a cool green light that fights shit. Hornet‘s shit that got greenlighted.

MrDoodyHead – Good news! We’ve added 3 categories this year, “Best Lunch Order”, “Prettiest Mistress”, & “Most Excellent Lie”. 

aboutapenis – Congrats to 127 Hours for accurately predicting how long it would be in theaters.

TheRealBenOrenI wasn’t really impressed with The King’s Speech. Without all the stuttering, it only would’ve been a 30 minute movie.

BrianLisiWith Toy Story 3, Pixar yet again made me regret the time I said I’d never be interested in a boy and his Woody.

50YardBard – Diane Lane was amazing, but it was Sarah Jessica Parker’s turn as Secretariat that really had critics buzzing

PianoJeffD – Ricky Gervais was going to be here tonight but unfortunately he’s too busy making his new movie, The Invention of Insults.

dropkickjon – Zac Efron is quickly becoming this generation’s Shatner. Can’t act, can barely talk, and heading to a crappy CBS show.

dropkickjon – I looked at The A-Team‘s cast list. They should have called it the one A-lister and a bunch Cs.

dropkickjon – Rob Patterson did a film called Remember Me which is what he’ll be saying to people as he rings them up at Wendy’s in 3 years.

MrDoodyHead – “As a host, I prefer not to work blue. So, I won’t be mentioning Avatar or Tron: Legacy.

flakesandrice – Pattie Mallette and Jeremy Bieber should be nominated for a Razzie for producing Justin Bieber.

SwazzPerkins – And the winner of the award for producing the most profitable children goes to: Will Smith.

birbigs - The jokes I’m telling tonight are not my BEST jokes. They are only the jokes that are financed.

flakesandrice – Curious what they’ll be calling the porn spoof of Winter’s Bone.

reallyCheekz – Ricky Gervais couldn’t make it tonight. He hasn’t gone missing. You just need to do something to be nominated.

KevTheUprCTOTY – Instead of memorializing the sad losses this year, we’re gonna run the names of those who saw Jonah Hex.

r_coop – Those who can’t direct, write. Those who can’t write, produce. Those who can’t produce, host the PGAs.