What Ratings Will Make ‘Conan’ A Success?

Here is a transcript of Conan O’Brien’s opening monologue as well as the opening video at tonight’s premiere of his late-night show on TBS.  The clip features dramatizations of Conan’s telling NBC brass to “go to hell” for trying to move him to 12:05 AM and of him taking TBS’ offer for “much less” as well as a Godfather spoof and scenes with Jon Hamm as  Don Draper from Mad Men and Larry King as Conan’s guardian angel.

ChrisMK
4 years
Craigy Ferg FTW.
amy26
4 years
Whoa, I've always been a Conan fan, however, after the last year and reading some of the...
Kat1987
4 years
Wow, thought this post was about Conan. I guess I was wrong. Half of you should go...

Thank you.  Thank you and welcome to my 2nd Annual first show.

Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, “Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.”

Welcome to my new show, “Conan.”  People ask me why I named the show “Conan.”  I did it so I’d be harder to replace.

This is an exciting night.  I’m glad to be on cable.  The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

And things are going well already.  I’m happy to report that we’re already #1 in TBS’s key demographic — people who can’t afford HBO.

I’m going to be honest:  It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding.  So that’s why I left NBC.

But the weird thing is this:  I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight.  So I get this job at eleven.  Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended — so right now it’s basically midnight.  In fact, it’s 12:05.

A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air — and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke.  But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.