oscar nf300I will be live-blogging (more like live-snarking) the Golden Globes starting at 5 PM PT tonight. Come for the cynicism. Stay for the subversion. Add your comment. Warning: Not for the easily offended or ridiculously naive.

RED CARPET: The 2010 Golden Globes hasn’t even begun — and already somebody spilled the party dip during the arrivals special. Julia Roberts just told NBC pre-show special host Billy Bush:

–“God, NBC, you guys are really in the toilet now…”
— “Julia Roberts, we’re live on the air now…” Bush admonished.
— “I’m not saying in the toilet, but there are problems,” she backpeddled.

Bush changed the subject to the rain falling on the red carpet. Quipped Tom Hanks, in reply: “NBC said it was going to rain at 10 PM, and they moved it to 11:30 PM.” (With that, CAA partner Richard Lovett who was accompanying the 2 superstars smiled weakly and wondered how badly that would affect his agency’s pilot season with the network.) Later, Tina Fey told Bush, “It’s not rain. It’s just God crying for NBC.” This is the kind of bashing NBC will receive all evening.

cruz2But that’s why people tune in to the annual Golden Globes even though it’s a completely meaningless awards show by a scandalous organization called the Hollywood Foreign Press Association on a network like NBC desperate for ratings. Because, over the years, Jack Nicholson has mooned the audience, Jim Carrey has talked out of his butt, Christine Lahti was locked in the bathroom, and other unscripted weirdness occurs at this intimate dinner. Including 1982’s low point when Pia Zadora’s husband bought her best “New Star Of The Year”. And that’s the perennial problem with the Golden Globes: they have zero integrity. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: studios and networks who lavishly lobby the HFPA usually score nominations. Stars win in direct correlation to their glamour quotient. Everything about the awards is geared towards hyping the media’s interest and the telecast’s ratings. Even the small motley group of freelancers who belong to the HFPA won’t grant membership to the real foreign journalists at the prestige newspapers across the world. NBC and Dick Clark Productions could clean up the Globes but choose not to. Instead, the entire entertainment industry props up this pathetic show because it’s seen as a night-long marketing tool. Therefore, it’s ridiculous to consider the movie categories as a window on the Oscars. So I won’t treat tonight with any seriousness.

GOLDEN GLOBES BEGINS

Ricky Gervais is introduced as the host of the evening and welcomes the audience to the 67th Golden Globes airing live tonight. “I’m not used to these viewing figures. Let’s face it, neither is NBC.” He then proceeds to say that the network’s The Office sitcom, derivative in the first place since it’s the U.S. version of his own UK hit, has “jumped the shark”. (I imagine NBC bigwig Jeff Gaspin is right now booking airplane tickets to the Maldives.)

Gervais makes penis jokes, and the audience laughs uncomfortably. What a terrible start. Then he starts talking about how “actors are just better than ordinary people. Because they’re recognizable. You can be in the third world, but you see a glimpse of an actor and you feel better,. You can be a child and you see Angelina Jolie and you think, ‘Mummy’. But let’s get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno.”

Nicole Kidman comes out and plugs George Clooney’s upcoming telethon for the Haitian earthquake victims. She explains that the Golden Globes attendees are wearing ribbons to support the cause.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
MO’NIQUE in PRECIOUS (Lionsgate)
“First let me say, Thank you God for this amazing ride that you’ve allowed me to go on. I’m shaking when I tell you all that. I don’t know how much time I have but I have something to say.” (The Golden Globes and Dick Clark Productions are notorious for cutting off overly long acceptance speeches mid-sentence.) She may have claimed she didn’t know what she was going to say — but her speech sounded well rehearsed to me.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
TONI COLLETTE in UNITED STATES OF TARA (Showtime)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
JOHN LITHGOW in DEXTER (Showtime)

Paul McCartney, an infamous marijuana user, comes out as a presenter and says animation isn’t just for children — “it’s also for adults who take drugs.”

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
UP (Walt Disney Pictures/PIXAR Animation Studios; Walt Disney Studios)

Wow, Harvey Weinstein has loaded up the presenters with actress upon actress from Nine. There’s a lot of Hollywood whispering that The Weinstein Co guaranteed itself a win for Nine in the Comedy/Musical category because of its uber-smooching the HFPA. Which is why Ricky Gervais, referring to the show’s scandalous reputation, said on air, “The one thing that can’t be bought is a Golden Globe — officially. (I’m not going to do this again anyway.)”

Felicity Huffman is really botching her lines. Look, the actors eat and drink, and eat and drink, and drink some more. I’m not saying she imbibed, but for most actors, by the time they get to the podium, they can’t read the teleprompter because every word is blurred.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
MICHAEL C. HALL in DEXTER (Showtime)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
JULIANNA MARGULIES in THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)
CBS’ The Good Wife has really grown on me. One of the only decent new shows on the networks this season. I just want to thank Les Moonves and Nina Tassler for believing in the 10 PM drama.” That’s another dig at NBC (which put on The Jay Leno Show instead — disastrously — limiting acting and writing gigs in primetime network TV). Let’s play The Drinking Game: every time someone insults NBC, take a slug of something alcohol.

I’ve almost forgotten what Harrison Ford looks like. It’s as if he’s been in the Witness Protection Program. And that includes his about-to-be-released pic, the first from Moonves’ CBS Films. Word is Hollywood doesn’t want to cast the older actor because he costs too much and won’t lower his quote.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
“THE WEARY KIND (THEME FROM CRAZY HEART)” — CRAZY HEART (Fox Searchlight)
Music & Lyrics by: Ryan Bingham, T Bone Burnett

Pouring rain on the Red Carpet, a great football game on CBS, everyone bashing the network. and a boring Golden Globes: NBC is cursed.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE
MICHAEL GIACCHINO for UP (Pixar-Disney)

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
GREY GARDENS (HBO)
Seriously, hasn’t Grey Gardens usurped Mommy Dearest for mother-fixated film fans? But the real story here is how Showtime has dominated these awards so far. It used to be HBO. But Richard Plepler is shooting blanks now that John Adams is mercifully off the air.

Tom Hanks, the self-appointed May Of Hollywood, has just acted out of character and dissed a fellow thesp while intro-ing Julie & Julia. “This is the Meryl Streep movie where she doesn’t end up in bed with Alec Baldwin, but does end up in bed with Stanley Tucci. By any measure, a substantial move up.” I agree whole-heartedly. Stanley is the thinking woman’s sex symbol. Alec is an oaf.

Ricky Gervais says he hates “one stereotype where all Irishmen are just drunk, swearing, hellraisers. Please welcome Colin Farrell…”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
MERYL STREEP for JULIE & JULIA (Sony Pictures)
“I want to change my name to T-Bone. T-Bone Streep.” She pretends to forget her speech. “Yeah, I love Nora,” as in Ephron, the pic’s director. “I just want to say that, in my long career, I’ve played so many extrordinary women that, basically, I’m getting mistaken for one.” I swear that Meryl was mimicking Saturday Night Live‘s send-up of her last night. See for yourself:

Are we done yet? One hour down, two more to go. I want these hours of my life back.

How many times is that annoying announcer going to ask the question, “Will Avatar win Best Picture?” My answer is, Depends on how many Rolexes, Samsung DVD players, free food, and gambling trips to Vegas the studio gifted the HFPA members. Isn’t that how it’s done? Oh, wait, this was 20th Century Fox, the cheapest studio in Hollywood. Maybe the Avatar keychain was enough.

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
TAKING CHANCE (HBO)
Motion Picture Corporation of America and Civil Dawn Pictures in association with HBO Films

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES/MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TV
DREW BARRYMORE in GREY GARDENS (HBO)
Oh shut up. Blah, blah, blah. It was for supporting actress, Drew, not life achievement. Although I liked her Fast Times At Ridgemont High reference that she can play “Jeff Spicoli’s girlfriend”. How random. Meanwhile, HBO is catching up…

Ricky Gervais introduces the writing category and apologizes that it’s “a downer category. We all know writers get too much credit in Hollywood. For actors, it’s not the words you say, it’s how good you look saying them.”

WOW, just now did Jennifer Aniston (intro’ed sneeringly as “Rachel from Friends”) ever come across as a cold stuck-up bitch, and Gerard Butler give the audience an eyeroll because he saw it. Quick, let’s get them in a movie together. I love it when the stars have zero chemistry.

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
JASON REITMAN & SHELDON TURNER – UP IN THE AIR (Paramount)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
ALEC BALDWIN in 30 ROCK (NBC)
Ugh, you people keep encouraging him.

Standing ovation for Sophia Loren. Or was it for her plastic surgeons?

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
THE WHITE RIBBON (GERMANY) (Wega Films, Sony Pictures Classics)

Amy Poehler of NBC’s Parks & Recreation, said to Zachary Levi, the star of NBC’s Chuck, “When I think of secret agents, I think of Jason Bourne. And then I fake it, and I think of you.” And people wonder why NBC is in the ratings cellar? Are you drunk yet?

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
MAD MEN (AMC)
Of course. Matt Weiner said, “I am very surprised and completely unprepared.” Says he, like Drew Barrymore, was in this ballroom when he was 7 years old. “Not for the Golden Globes, but for a bar mitzvah.”

IT’S TAYLOR. OHMYGAWD, IT’S TAYLOR. TEAM TAYLOR. TWILIGHT SAGA TAYLOR! Will I be arrested for corrupting a minor if I say this 17-year-old looks sexier on TV than in his 8-pack-abs photos? Perhaps you blinked and missed him.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
CHLOË SEVIGNY for BIG LOVE (HBO)
She easily won BEST DRESS GUARANTEED TO GET STEPPED ON AND TORN.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
CHRISTOPH WALTZ for INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
(Weinstein Co/Universal)
Nice to see a really heartfelt thank-you speech from a genuinely grateful award-winning actor.

Robert DeNiro intro’ed Martin Scorsese for his previously announced Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award by quipping, “I hear there are films on the Internet of Marty Scorsese having sex with films.” Added Leonardo DiCaprio: “Marty’s sex film canister… you know we’ll be You-Tubing tonight.” (Clearly, improv isn’t Leo’s strong suit.) “We’ll talk about those pictures later,” Marty noted. Clips were a big plug for long-delayed Shutter Island. (Nice work, Paramount.) My initial reaction? Some costume designer is going to have a takedown on straitjackets for the 2011 awards season.

Who’ll pay Kathryn Bigelow and Jim Cameron to get into an exes’ bitchslap onstage for Best Director and Best Picture? ME!

Ricky Gervais is playing his own Drinking Game and just made a Mel Gibson drinking joke. “I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson.” And Mel played along by pretending to be drunk. (That’s Mel’s longtime PR flack Alan Nierob fainting in the back of the ballroom.)

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
JAMES CAMERON – AVATAR (20th Century Fox)
Thankfully, Jim Cameron toned down the arrogance. Or did he? “I’m going to try to make this as brief as I can because, frankly, I have to pee something fierce.” He continued, “I’m actually not well prepared because, frankly, I thought Kathryn was going to get this — and she richly deserved it.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
GLEE (FOX, Twentieth Century Fox Television)
Quick, did your TV just go dark? Because NBC pulled the plug on Glee when it was slated to join the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade which the network was broadcasting. So I expected N(othing) B(ut) C(rap) to pull the same stupidity this time around. Ryan Murphy dedicated this award to “everybody and anybody who ever got a wedgie in high school”. Like Jeff Zucker.

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
THE HANGOVER (Warner Bros. Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures)
“Wow, we didn’t expect this,” said director Todd Phillips. “Now I’m going to get into a fistfight with Harvey Weinstein — but I have Mike Tyson here, so I’m good.” See, I toldja there’s been this whisper campaign that The Weinstein Co had bought the HFPA award for Nine. Then again, the indie studio is in a major financial restructuring. So $50 a head may not cut it these recessionary days. Did I miss the camera pan to Harvey The Loser? Damn the luck.

Now Arnold Schwarzenegger is dissing NBC? “The only way James Cameron can make more money [than from Avatar‘s box office] is to be hired by NBC — or be fired by NBC.” This, from the worst California governor ever who’s presiding over a $21 billion budget shortfall? Rich.

Aaaaah, Mickey Rourke, king of the psycho acceptance speech, is on the podium. This time, though, he’s only presenting. I can’t catch a break here.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
SANDRA BULLOCK for THE BLIND SIDE (Warner Bros)
We may have to start a new Drinking Game for every time someone insults the HFPA onstage. “Please don’t let Ricky Gervais be right. Do I have to thank whoever bought this for me?” She managed to get in a big plug for CAA — “a little agency that represents almost everybody”. That’s because of Richard Lovett’s “100% market share” management strategy so his clients feel so special.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
ROBERT DOWNEY JR for SHERLOCK HOLMES (Warner Bros)
DOWNEY JR WON? Even Robert in his acceptance speech called the Hollywood Foreign Press Association “a strange bunch” — and especially for this decision. (Downey said he and his wife thought Matt Damon would win for The Informant!) But I’m certain the HFPA wanted to ensure the show got ratings, and Downey Jr is one of the top grossing stars these days. The actor wittily made reference to that by refusing to thank Warner Bros bigwigs because “They needed me. Avatar was going to take us to the cleaners.” Nor would he thank “Joel Silver who’s only restarted my career 12 times by now”. Loved it. Loved him.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
JEFF BRIDGES for CRAZY HEART (Fox Searchlight)
“You’re really screwing up my under-appreciated status here,” Jeff Bridges said with authenticity. Another big plug for CAA. (It definitely won tonight’s most-thanked agency honor. )

“Let’s wrap this up,” says Julia Roberts. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve lost the will to live.

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
AVATAR (Lightstorm Entertainment; Twentieth Century Fox)
“DANCES WITH SMURFS” WINS! “Thank you for believing in blue people,” as producer John Landau lauded Fox Filmed Entertainment Group chairmen Tom Rothman and Jim Gianopulos.  Cameron was less annoying than when he won all those awards for Titanic. Though you could hear the audience’s audible groans when he warned, “I’ve gone to the bathroom so I can take my time.” Interesting that the HFPA saw almost a wet print when Avatar was finally screened for them just a few days before the Golden Globe nominations came out. But the HFPA would have gone against tradition had they not selected the world’s most popular film right now over little seen The Hurt Locker. Again, for this “strange bunch”, it’s all about the ratings and lining their own pockets. NBC should dump this fake show. Now more than ever, when even Hollywood can’t take it seriously anymore.