My suspicion all along about Conde Nast’s new glossy business magazine Portfolio was that it would be like Playboy or Penthouse only filled with CEO Porn, a monthly excuse to airbrush business tycoons and infotainment moguls and their various accolytes. condenastportfolio1.jpgAt least those who aren’t already in trouble or indicted or in jail at which point it’s OK to go tough on them. Well, I wasn’t wrong. The premiere issue hits NYC newstands tomorrow (and nationwide April 24th. But the magazine’s PR sought me out “exclusively” today to give me the klieg lighted showbiz article: “The Kid Pays For The Picture” by senior writer Amy Wallace about Relativity Media’s Ryan Kavanaugh, “who despite a lack of credentials, has helped rustle up almost half of the $8 billion Wall Street has poured into Hollywood over the past three years. Now some people are wondering: Is he a genius or a hustler?” Uh, guess which impression you’ll have after reading it…

ryankavanaugh1.JPGAnd Portfolio‘s big movie finance scoop? That some chumps in Hollywood lost money because of Kavanaugh, but now that’s all forgiven because Kavanaugh’s company recently signed a deal with Citigroup and Sony Pictures to pour $1.2 billion into 45 films that will give him both fees and an ownership stake in the movies themselves. There’s the usual nonsensical detail and numbing comparisons: that Los Angeles’ supposed answer to Gordon Gekko is a 32-year-old without an MBA who was once an aspiring rock guitarist, that while the latest deal was pending he played “Blackhawk Striker” on the room’s 13-foot screen, that he was mentored by movie producer Christine Peters, Jon Peters’ ex-wife and Sumner Redstone’s ex-paramour. Please, save me from pieces like this that pretend to report pejoratively about a player only to pump him up all the more for the fact that he’s wildly successful in spite of acting like an asshole. Why couldn’t the editors see that this bit induces nausea: “Hollywood and Vine will always be the most famous corner in the history of the film business. but the future of movies is now being constructed at an imaginary intersection: Hollywood and Wall Street. At this crossroads, no one directs more traffic than Ryan Kavanaugh.” Just because Portfolio puts in a few negatives, and then promptly negates those negatives with all sorts of puffery, does not a hard-hitting profile make. And its decision to provide an elaborate description of Kavanaugh’s clothes, at the expense of digging into the details behind those investors who were sucker-punched by Kavanaugh, is more worthy of Vogue than a supposedly serious business mag. Besides, hasn’t Ken Auletta already cornered the market on Big Media blow job journalism for The New Yorker? So my suggestion is not to bother with Portfolio unless you’re a mogul and need CEO Porn to masturbate.