Oh, those workaholic Walt Disney lawyers. They’re plotting to make Pirates of the Caribbean 2 a merchandising juggernaut to match its predicted box office numbers for July 7th. I’ve learned they’ve registered the trademark for Johnny Depp’s pirate character, Jack Sparrow, in a tsunami of categories, including bikinis and bolo ties and badminton sets, licorice and lemonade and leg warmers, bagels and bowling balls and BBQ mits! (Although Jack Sparrow after-shave sounds sexy.) Here’s the absurd list:

Drinking water; energy drinks; flavored waters; fruit juices; fruit-flavored beverages; juice base concentrates; lemonade; punch; non-alcoholic beverages, namely, carbonated beverages; non-alcoholic beverages containing fruit juices; smoothies; sparkling water; sports drinks; syrups for making soft drinks; table water; vegetable juices; bagels; bases for making milkshakes; biscuits; bread; breakfast cereal; preparations made from cereal; bubble gum; cakes; cake mixes; candies; cake decorations made of candy; ketchup; cereal-based snack bars; chewing gum; chocolate; chocolate-based beverages; cocoa-based beverages; cones for ice cream; confectionery; cookies; corn-based snack foods; crackers; deli sandwiches; flavored, sweetened gelatin desserts; frozen confections; frozen meals consisting primarily of pasta or rice; frozen yogurt; honey; ice cream; ice milk; licorice; marshmallows; mayonnaise; muffins; mustard; noodles; oatmeal; pancakes; pancake mixes; pasta; pastries; pancake syrup; pies; pizza; popcorn; pretzels; puddings; rice; rolls; salad dressings; sauces; sherbets; spices; tea; tortillas; waffles; cheese; cheese and cracker combinations; cheese spread; candied fruit; chocolate milk; dairy products excluding ice cream, ice milk and frozen yogurt; dips; dried fruits; drinking yogurts; frozen meals consisting primarily of meat, fish, poultry or vegetables; fruit preserves; fruit-based snack food; jams; jellies; milk beverages with high milk content; meats; nuts; peanut butter; potato chips; potato-based snack foods; powdered milk; raisins; snack mix consisting primarily of processed fruits, processed nuts and/or raisins; soup; soup mixes; yogurt; action skill games; action figures and accessories therefore; board games; card games; children’s multiple activity toys; badminton sets; balloons; basketballs; bath toys; baseballs; beach balls; bean bags; bean bag dolls; board games; building blocks; bowling balls; bubble making wands and solution sets; chess sets; children’s play cosmetics; Christmas stockings; Christmas tree decorations; collectable toy figures; crib mobiles; crib toys; disc toss toys; dolls; doll clothing; doll accessories; doll playsets; electric action toys; equipment sold as a unit for playing card games; fishing tackle; golf balls; golf gloves; golf ball markers; hand held unit for playing electronic games; hockey pucks; inflatable toys; jigsaw puzzles; jump ropes; kites; magic tricks; marbles; manipulative games; mechanical toys; music box toys; musical toys; parlor games; party favors in the nature of small toys; party games; playing cards; plush toys; puppets; roller skates; rubber balls; skateboards; soccer balls; spinning tops; toys; stuffed toys; table tennis tables; target games; teddy bears; tennis balls; toy action figures; toy bucket and shovel sets; toy mobiles; toy vehicles; toy scooters; toy cars; toy model hobbycraft kits; toy figures; toy banks; toy trucks; toy watches; wind-up toys; yo-yos; athletic shoes; bandanas; baseball caps; beach cover-ups; beachwear; belts; bibs; bikinis; blazers; boots; bow ties; bras; caps; chaps; cloth bibs; coats; dresses; ear muffs; footwear; gloves; golf shirts; Halloween costumes; hats; head bands; head wear; hosiery; infantwear; jackets; jeans; jerseys; kerchiefs; leotards; leg warmers; mittens; neckties; night shirts; night gowns; pajamas; pants; panty hose; polo shirts; ponchos; rainwear; robes; sandals; scarves; shirts; shoes; skirts; shorts; slacks; slippers; sleepwear; socks; stockings; sweaters; sweat pants; sweat shirts; swimsuits; tank tops; tights; t-shirts; underwear; vests; wrist bands; afghans; barbecue mitts; bath linen; bath towels; bed blankets; bed canopies; bed linen; bed sheets; bed skirts; bed spreads; blanket throws; calico; children’s blankets; cloth coasters; cloth doilies; cloth flags; cloth pennants; comforters; crib bumpers; curtains; fabric flags; felt pennants; golf towels; hand towels; handkerchiefs; hooded towels; household linen; kitchen towels; oven mitts; pillow cases; pillow covers; pot holders; quilts; receiving blankets; silk blankets; table linen; textile napkins; textile place mats; textile tablecloths; throws; towels; washcloths; woollen blankets; beverageware; beverage glassware; bird houses; bowls; brooms; cake pans; cake molds; cake servers; candle holders not of precious metal; candle snuffers; canteens; ceramic figurines; coasters not of paper and not being table linen; cookie jars; cookie cutters; cork screws; cups; decorating bags for confectioners; decorative crystal prisms; decorative glass; decorative plates; dishes; figurines made of china, crystal, earthenware, glass, or porcelain; flower pots; hair brushes; hair combs; heat-insulated vessels; insulating sleeve holders for beverage containers; lunch boxes; mugs; napkin holders; napkin rings not of precious metals; paper cups; paper plates; pie pans; pie servers; plastic cups; plates; soap dishes; tea kettles; tea sets; thermal insulated containers for food or beverage; toothbrushes; trays; trivets; vacuum bottles; waste baskets; air mattresses for use when camping; bassinets; beds; benches; bookcases; cabinets; chairs; coat racks; computer furniture; computer keyboard trays; cots; couches; decorative glitter; decorative mobiles; desks; drinking straws; engraved and cut stone plaques; figurines and statuettes made of bone, plaster, plastic, wax, or wood; flagpoles; foot stools; furniture; gift package decorations made of plastic; hand fans; hand-held mirrors; jewelry boxes not of metal; key fobs not of metal; lawn furniture; love seats; magazine racks; mattresses; mirrors; non-Christmas ornaments made of bone, plaster, plastic, wax or wood; ottomans; party ornaments of plastic; pedestals; picture frames; pillows; plant stands made of wire and metal; decorative wall plaques; plastic flags; plastic name badges; plastic novelty license plates; plastic pennants; plastic cake decorations; sea shells; sleeping bags; tables; toy chests; umbrella stands; venetian blinds; wind chimes; all purpose sport bags; athletic bags; baby backpacks; backpacks; beach bags; book bags; calling card cases; change purses; coin purses; diaper bags; duffel bags; fanny packs; gym bags; handbags; knapsacks; key cases; leather key chains; lipstick holders; luggage; luggage tags; overnight bags; purses; satchels; shopping bags; tote bags; umbrellas; waist packs; wallets; address books; almanacs; appliqués in the form of decals; appointment books; art prints; arts and craft paint kits; autograph books; baby books; ball point pens; baseball cards; binders; bookends; bookmarks; books; bumper stickers; calendars; cartoon strips; Christmas cards; chalk; children’s activity books; coasters made of paper; coin albums; coloring books; color pencils; comic books; comic strips; coupon books; decals; decorative paper centerpieces; diaries; disposable diapers for babies; drawing rulers; envelopes; erasers; felt pens; flash cards; gift cards; gift wrapping paper; globes; greeting cards; guest books; magazines; maps; memo pads; modeling clay; newsletters; newspapers; note paper; notebooks; notebook paper; paintings; paper flags; paper party favors; paper party hats; paper cake decorations; paper party decorations; paper napkins; paper party bags; paperweights; paper gift wrap bows; paper pennants; paper place mats; paper table cloths; pen or pencil holders; pencils; pencil sharpeners; pen and pencil cases and boxes; pens; periodicals; photograph albums; photographs; photo-engravings; pictorial prints; picture books; portraits; postcards; posters; printed awards; printed certificates; printed invitations; printed menus; recipe books; rubber stamps; score cards; stamp albums; stationery; staplers; stickers; trading cards; ungraduated rulers; writing paper; writing implements; alarm clocks; belt buckles of precious metal (for clothing); bolo ties with precious metal tips; bracelets; busts of precious metal; candle snuffers of precious metal; candlesticks of precious metal; charms; clocks; earrings; jewelry; jewelry cases of precious metal; jewelry chains; key rings of precious metal; lapel pins; letter openers of precious metal; neck chains; necklaces; necktie fasteners; non-monetary coins; ornamental pins; pendants; rings; slides for bolo ties; stop watches; tie clips; tie fasteners; tie tacks; wall clocks; watch bands; watch cases; watch chains; watch straps; watches; wedding bands; wristwatches; audio cassette recorders; audio cassette players; audio cassettes; audio discs; audio speakers; binoculars; calculators; camcorders; cameras; CD-ROMs; CD-ROM drives (as part of the computer); CD-ROM writers (as part of the computer); cellular telephones; cellular telephone accessories; cellular telephone cases; face plates for cellular telephones; compact disc players; compact disc recorders; compact discs; computer game programs; computer game cartridges and discs; computers; computer hardware; computer keyboards; computer monitors; computer mouse; computer disc drives; computer software; cordless telephones; decorative magnets; digital cameras; DVDs; DVD players; DVD recorders; digital versatile discs; digital video discs; electronic personal organizers; eyeglass cases; eyeglasses; headphones; karaoke machines; microphones; MP3 players; modems (as part of a computer); mouse pads; motion picture films; pagers; personal stereos; personal digital assistants; printers; radios; sunglasses; telephones; television sets; video cameras; video cassette recorders; video cassette players; video game cartridges; video game discs; video cassettes; videophones; walkie-talkies; wrist and arm rests for use with computers; after-shave lotions; antiperspirants; aromatherapy oils; artificial eyelashes and fingernails; baby oil; baby wipes; bath gels; bath powder; beauty masks; blush; body creams, lotions, and powders; breath freshener; bubble bath; cologne; cosmetics; dentifrices; deodorants; dusting powder; essential oils for personal use; eye liner; eye shadows; eyebrow pencils; face powder; facial creams; facial lotion; facial masks; facial scrubs; fragrance emitting wicks for room fragrance; fragrances for personal use; hair gel; hair conditioners; hair shampoo; hair mousse; hair creams; hair spray; hand cream; hand lotions; hand soaps; lip balm; lipstick; lipstick holders; lip gloss; liquid soaps; makeup; mascara; mouthwash; nail care preparations; nail glitter; nail hardeners; nail polish; perfume; potpourri; room fragrances; shaving cream; skin soap; talcum powders; toilet water; skin creams; skin moisturizer; sun block; sun screen.