Come for the Cynicism

Stay for the Subversion

Beginning with Arrivals

Until the Last Envelope

And be sure to read my Oscar predictions at


Joan and Melissa’s arrivals horrorfest starts at 2:30 p.m. PT on the TV Guide Channel.

KTLA, Channel 5 in Los Angeles, kicks off its arrivals show at 3:00 p.m. PT with the unctuous Sam Rubin (though, for some reason, I don’t mind him).

ABC’s official Academy red carpet arrivals show is expanded this year to a full hour, starting at 4 p.m. PT. A small army co-hosts: Billy Bush (ugh), Chris Connelly (good), Cynthia Garrett (who?) and Vanessa Minnillo (another nobody).

At, live webcast of VF‘s party 9:00 p.m. PT

As usual, E! Entertainment presents an orgy of Oscar-viewing:

Live Countdown: Before anyone even arrives, 9 a.m.-2:30 p.m. PT

Live from the Red Carpet: Ryan Seacrest (please, god, make him have laryngitis) and Isaac Mizrahi (who’s he gonna feel up this time?). 2:30 p.m.-4:30 p.m. PT

Live Post-Show: Winners backstage, then live party coverage. 9 p.m.-11 p.m. PT

Fashion Police: You have to wait for this crap. March 6, 8 p.m. PT